Thursday, December 30, 2010

Your 365 Mondays Await You............ Happy New Year!

Period, six days late. Cramps are relentless. Too tired to even given into cravings. Wish I had stock in both Advil and Excedrine Migraine.
As many would agree; it was a wonderful Christmas, but, so glad it's over.
Now, as many are doing, it's time to focus on a New Year. Time to channel optimism, discover a renewed faith for a more rewarding day and attempt to stay focused on things you may want to improve upon. Time for reflection, and truly acknowledging if you are the person you want to be. I mean, you are who you are. But, are you the person you really want to be?
Why these notions don't take place on a Tuesday in June, is beyond me. Really though, who ever asks about your June Resolutions?
The diets, the working out, the quiting smoking, the quiting drinking; all the pros and cons of the vices that we allow to consume us. With these, just to name a few (and the more obvious), we usually 'start on Monday.' Monday is typically the day where there's an attempt to kick old habits and start new and improved lifestyles. Then fifty-two Mondays go by, and now our New Years Resolution List is created. A little longer than we thought; even longer for the true procrastinators.
I myself am an improving procrastinator.
"Hello, My name is Shannon and I am an improving procrastinator."
Here's an early toast (as i raise my invisible glass of nothing), that you have a wonderful 2011. Make the most of it... or at least do what I'm doing.... make every day a Monday! And no, not a "Manic Monday" per The Bangles and not a "Rainy Day Monday" per The Carpenter's. But, a 'start' Monday, per this blog contribution!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Extra Credit Points aren't Just for School!

Four days until Christmas, two days until my period... Calgon take me away! Some of you may not understand the Calgon statement; what can I say, YOUTUBE it!
The good news today is that I made my way to the gym, the bad news is that I passed the gym on my way to Dairy Queen! The best news of the day? Double Cheeseburger Meal was on promo for $3.99. I did substitute the fries with onion rings and yes, I loved every single delicious, calorie loaded, grease soaked bite!
My Mother raised a thoughtful woman though, as I passed by the gym, I waved and said, "Hello- I won't be in today." No, really I did.... complete with the cupped-hand, pageant wave. Well, I just figured I'd say the my "Hello" on the way to Dairy Queen because if I were to wave and say my "Hello" after Dairy Queen, my mouth would be full! My MaMa raised a lady, people!
Usually my fastfood choice for period week is McDonalds, but DQ was calling my name today! And it was flippin' delicious!!! No, I will not be in the gym today. Yes, I will be working out at home tonight! The music will be up and sweats will be on (complete with bandana- please see previous post for details)! Memories of my Dairy Queen fieldtrip will get me through my hour workout! And yes, I ordered a Coke! Not a Diet Coke... a Coke! Own your Double Cheeseburger Meal, people!!!
Dear Santa (per previous post), please allow me to revise; I would like Discipline..... and Calgon.... and 12 vouchers for a FREE Double Cheeseburger Meal at Dairy Queen to get me through each 'period week' in 2011!
You know, a few days ago I was behind a man, maybe mid twenties, in line at the grocery store. He was purchasing only two items: tampons and Advil. For whatever reason, he felt the need to share his thoughts, when he looked to me and said, "I don't think you ladies understand how hard it is for us guys to buy these things." Then I shared my thoughts on his 'purchase', by looking at him and saying, "Well, are you buying EXACTLY what she told you to? The least you could do is throw in a few of her favorite candy bars and a Cosmo magazine!" He said, "Really?" I said, "Well, extra credit points aren't just for school, you know! Besides, chocolate makes us happy and if she's reading a magazine she won't be bitching at you!"
Hopefully my couple of suggestions were taken as spontaneous and thoughtful on his part. And he may not know it yet, but in a week or two, he will reap the benefits of being so spontaneous and thoughtful. The Cosmo magazine he purchased was featuring several fascinating must reads: 'Make Him Grin and Bare It Tonight', '69 New Ways to Satisfy Your Man' and 'Clothing Optional Workouts for Couples.'
No doubt he won't mind buying her 'monthly essentials', in the future!

Monday, December 20, 2010

Two Full Plates, One Zipper Down and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!

On my Christmas Wish List this year: DISCIPLINE!
Dear Santa,
Please bring me discipline! I'll take it in a pill form, a nasty tasting beverage, intravenously or even as a suppository! I NEED discipline! I also need to be friends with people who suck at cooking and who suck even more at baking! I need to attend holiday gatherings where there was a kitchen fire and all that's being served, is burnt to a crisp! Where's the friend who bakes and confuses salt for sugar? I am friends with none of these people. Damn it!
Thank you for the invites and for encouraging me to have another serving at your yummy parties. Where everyone attending is doing the same thing.... eating, drinking and being merry!!! I'm unsure how many were doing what I was doing; hiding my unzipped pants under my lengthy, cozy turtleneck!
Tis the season to be challenged by the Holiday 7! It's said that the average American gains 7 lbs from November through the New Year; 7 lbs overall, not each month. Or each week, for that matter. So far, I've gained 1. ONE POUND! The good news? My bathroom time this season is reminding me that I am eating better. If you indulge in holiday goodies after spending months eating a much improved diet, you will be spending more time in the bathroom; with your body wondering, "What the hell did you feed me? What did I ever do to you?"
I'm due to start my period the 23rd. I'm confident to share that the Holiday 7 will be exceeded this week! Okay, maybe not. More water, less PMS cravings! There was a time that I would gain anywhere from 5-12 lbs the week of my period. But, maintaining a more disciplined diet that week specifically, has reduced the weight gain (which always vanished after the period anyway) to only about 3 lbs. And the horrid migraines I used to have monthly, are no longer monthly at all. Practically quarterly, maybe less!
This Holiday 7, is this the same for both men and women? Just seems like women would gain more than 7, at least 10! Typically, the women are the ones in the kitchen, taste-testing as they go. In general, women have little to no will power. Women also have more cravings than men, and more often than men. Men crave sex! Well, a meal that includes a piece of meat that Fred Flinstone would enjoy, and then sex! If women would crave sex more, and would satisfy that craving like she does a can of pringles.... craving: SATISFIED and potential weight issue: SOLVED!!!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Does your Gym sell Buttered Popcorn?

Okay... so I have no idea which is more challenging? A healthy grocery list on a $25.00 a week budget or getting to the gym on a regular basis? I try to make a game out of both! My favorite game growing up: Hide and Seek!
I love the gym! I love the feeling when I walk into the gym! I love all that I accomplish when I'm at the gym! I feel a little firmer when I leave the gym! However, I don't 'schedule' time for the gym! I don't make the gym a priority! It's typically an after thought. I do workout hard at the gym... when I go. There was a time that I was going 4, even 5 days a week, but, that was a long time ago! (calm down.... I'm working on it!)
I do tend to feel guilty if I don't go to the gym on a regular basis. Not because I'm depriving my body of a grueling workout in fluorescent lighting, but because I'm paying for it! I have a monthly membership; with a reasonable rate, considering I'm good friends with the girl who used to sleep with the owner (his ex-wife). I just need more discipline and less procrastination! It's a process..... and I am a work in progress! So, I use my hand weights, my body ball and my pilates machine; which are all conveniently located right here at home, for when I do feel consumed with guilt for not working out at the gym.
Some people ask why I have a gym membership when I can use these items at home? Well, I pay next to nothing for the membership, I workout on several more machines at the gym, and it's a chance to meet new people.
Recently, a 'new friend to be' approached me while I was on the elliptical (which I LOVE the elliptical). She said "Wow, you're really in the zone!" She also had this really impressed look on her face. I didn't think I had understood her, so I said, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" She said, "Well, I said 'You're working hard!' But then you didn't hear me, so I thought, 'Wow you're really in the zone!'" Yes, I love the elliptical! Yes, I was sweaty and slightly out of breath! Yes, I was 'in the zone.' I was FOCUSED! How wonderful of her to notice! But.... I was not focused on my 'workout'..... while on the elliptical, I was watching The Food Network and the most amazing recipe for Savory Southern Fried Chicken was on. No, I did not confess that I was focusing on The Food Network! I politely shook my head in agreement that I was "in the zone." And NO, the Food Network channel should NOT be permitted in the gym! The channel that may entice people to work out hard and really, really stay focused at the gym? The Plus Size Porn channel! Is there such a channel... I have no idea! But, I am sure that if such a channel existed, and it was available at the gym, every machine would be filled, pounds would be shed and memberships would be through the roof!!! (background checks included)
Grocery list this week, did not include ingredients to Savory Southern Fried Chicken! What I do know about myself, even with the best of intentions for this process? If it's in the house, I will eat it! Even if I plan to buy something (which I have no business buying) and portion-baggie it out (it sounded reasonable in my head), I need to NOT do it! Poor decision item this week? Bugles! My intentions were to baggie them out and they'd last a while; I wasn't depriving myself of something yummy, salty and crunchy (and cute... Bugles are cute), and they were on sale! Well damn if I didn't eat the bag in two days! Yes, it was a family size bag! Yes, it was good! No, I will not be doing that again!!!
In general, I shop the perimeter. I went down actual aisles this week, one aisle for tuna (solid white) and the other for the Bugles (UUGGHH!) Chicken breast, some fresh produce, eggs, yogurt, tilapia and shrimp. (do I sound thin or what?)
OOPS, shared too soon. Did 'impulse' buy at the checkout. Berry flavored Gummie Life Savers, two bags, $1 each, no guilt to confess to, they're yummy and a couple here and there will keep me from being mean! And... I'm going to need some type of 'concession stand' goodie when I'm on the elliptical, watching The Plus Size Porn channel; my gym doesn't sell buttered popcorn!
Like I said..... work in progress!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Voluptuous Shoulders may be The Real Issue!

It's Wednesday, December 8th, and for almost a week now, I've considered blogging about my love/hate relationship with food, budget, weight gain, weight loss, cellulite, middle age spread, gravity, body image, self worth, confidence, stretch marks, the gym, the compliments, the suggestions, the excuses, the jealousy, the Krispy Kreme 'HOT' sign, walks with inclines (like my driveway and the walk to the mailbox), photographs representing who I was then... who I am now... and how much I've turned into my Mother. Through my 41st year, I would like to encounter a true sense of self. Well, a sense of self and a closet full of size 8's. Loose fitting 8's! EIGHT's! ATEs!
You may be wondering why an 8? Well, because I know with an improved diet and daily workouts; whether at the gym or just walking my driveway to get the mail, I know it's feasible. I just need to work in 3D; channeling Dedication, Discipline and Determination! I also know what I weigh, what I feel like and what I look like when I wear a size 8. Besides, I don't want my size to be in double digits.... well, except my bra size!
Did I mention I'm 5'2 1/2"? Yes people, almost 5'3"!!! I weigh more than most 6' athletes! I'd like to say it's all muscle, but, I think the numbers speak for themselves! My highest... 246lbs. My current... 226lbs. My goals... A size 8 (approx 125lbs) and A true sense of self (priceless)!
What you'll find through my daily journaling, rather blogging, is that I'm painfully honest. I'm so honest, you may ask that I start lying! What got me thinking about blogging on this specific subject is, The Biggest Loser. The Biggest Loser is taking applications for their next season. Though for a very brief second I considered applying to be on the show; I then thought of all the job applications I've submitted over the last year (since my job was eliminated in Jan of 2009 because of budget cuts), and the thought of being rejected AGAIN didn't interest me. Besides, I know how to lose the weight, I just don't work in 3D all the time. Maybe there should be a 4th D: Daily!
I'd have too many stipulations for The Biggest Loser. I wouldn't permit cameras to air me working out without a bandana on my head... thanks to a 1999 diagnosed hormonal disorder, my hair is quite THIN on top. Sure, the word 'thin' may come to mind when watching The Biggest Loser, but it shouldn't reference my sparse scalp. Also, I wouldn't want the viewers to be concerned for my raw, tomato-red face; believe me, someone will want to dial a hotline! I have rosacea, and when I work out hard, my face looks like someone left it under a broiler a little too long. OUCH for the viewers' eyes and OUCH for my face... it actually stings a little, too! The rosacea diagnosis was a 40th birthday present; didn't really care for that present, but unfortunately, it wasn't returnable. Lastly, I have psoriasis. My psoriasis was diagnosed in my early 30s. Though the psoriasis can be unsightly on the elbows (I could care less about that); it's under the nails. Having no medical insurance, I no longer take Enbrel. So, for now, the nails are no longer attached. For those that are still attached, they need to be kept super short; not to catch on anything, and painted with dark polish; to not make your belly queasy. (should be back on Enbrel within the month)
Why too much information? Here comes the honesty... being an obese contestant on The Biggest Loser wouldn't bother me.... being the obese contestant, with no hair, a raw red face and nail-less fingers... well, that would have me screaming for Dr. Phil and a bartender!
So, I chose to take this journey to improved health, weight loss and an overall better sense of self, via blogging! To vent, to be honest and to be held accountable; not only to those reading, but to myself!
Why start on a Wednesday? No sense in waiting for Monday! No sense in waiting for 2011! Besides, with the few lbs I've already lost, I got a very nice, but disturbing compliment today. "Are you losing weight, your shoulders look smaller?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Did I have husky shoulders! Can we agree to maybe call them voluptuous shoulders? That (assumingly) heartfelt compliment, is why I decided to start the blog of honesty today! Maybe someone reading this blog, also has (unknowingly) voluptuous shoulders? This blog may inspire that person to acknowledge their plus size shoulder issue? Who in the world, compliments shoulder weight loss? One body part at a time, I guess!
Without the humiliation of failure, there is no greater incentive for success!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

In Honor of Gerald Curtis Hickman

In speaking with a high school friend this morning, we spoke of health and family. We also spoke briefly of blogging; and how writing, journaling and blogging can lead to laughter and reflection. But more importantly, what a stress release it can be. I was flattered when she said she read the blogs, and that she does have a good laugh!
Laughter is essential! Reflection is also essential!
What you are about to read is an actual email I sent to my 'ex' mother in law, I happen to still keep in touch with. I don't know how common that is, but I appreciate and love her just the same.
My son Shane and I took two separate trips to Ohio in the fall of 2008. One trip to visit Jerry in the hospital, and the other, two weeks later, to attend his funeral.
Though Jerry and my mom never married, they were together for twenty years. He was visiting Ohio that summer, when he fell ill. (cancer diagnosis) Though he really wanted to get well and get back to FL with her, to fulfill travel plans they had made together (mom had just retired), God had different plans for Jerry.
It's been two years since Jerry lost his battle with cancer.
When you read the following response I sent to my 'ex' mother in law, after she asked how our trip was and how my mom was; I hope your heart opens. I hope you feel sadness, love, empathy and appreciation.
You really should live each day until God takes you home!
Your tomorrow is an assumption, not a guarantee!
Take a deep breath, be grateful for that breath and make the most of your day!

*So very glad we were so fortunate to have seen Jerry over that weekend the two weeks before he did pass. Grateful he was awake and aware and happy to see us. He was telling his daughter Debbie about Shane's car and what a nice car it was. He and Shane spoke briefly about sports. Kept saying how cold he was. I jabbed at him for watching the girly movies on Lifetime Network. He wanted me to guess at his weight loss- guess a figure/number- I looked at him and said "Well, I'm going to need to hold your hand." So I did, and said, "45 lbs." He said I was close, "almost 50." I knew he wasn't himself and that his illness (understatement) was getting the better of him. He is never cold- and in the hospital, he couldn't get warm enough. His white hair was standing straight up, I told him he looked like Elvis (i loved it)- he was hoping to have gotten it cut. (it wasn't even long) I couldn't resist stroking his hair even more and make it stand up; calling him, the white haired Elvis! I remember Mom telling him she was taking us to Penn Station for lunch (sub shop) and all he could talk about was their french fries. He was going on and on about the french fries. The poor man wasn't allowed to eat anything for a few days and here he was talking up the Penn Station french fries. Telling us to have a good time and have a fry for him. When we left OH, I wanted to stay hopeful that he would gain strength to make it back to FL, but I also knew in spending that time with him; Shane and I both knew, we were happy we got to see him and spend some time with him.
Our visit was great. Shane and I thought the scenic drive was stunning. I remember him on the phone with someone from work talking about how "beautiful this part of the country was." TN into KY is just beautiful, especially in fall. We arrived back in GA Saturday evening 9/27, Shane caught an earlier flight on 9/28 to catch the Dallas game- Jerry had a decent week and the I remember calling Mom on Mon 10/6, and she was saying they almost lost him that morning. Shortly after, he announced 'no orders' with the doctors and nurses.
In speaking with Mom, and with all that was shared, it didn't look like a good week. Angela nor I thought it was going to be a good week. We worried for Jerry and we worried for Mom, because she was there with no family for herself. He passed that Fri 10/10. He has three children and on 10/10 his middle son turned 50 and his youngest Debbie, turned 49. On Fri, Mom said he was up at midnight and really all he wanted to do was talk- he and she talked all through the night. He then said he wanted to go see his Mom and Dad (he was an only child) and his dog (he recalled a childhood pet he had). He also asked that Mom tell (various names) friends and golfing buddies (various) messages and goodbyes. I guess the pain got so bad, he asked my Mom to go get the gun from the closet. (she knows nothing about a gun) She tried to keep it light and hopeful after that statement. She told him that if he wanted to go see his Mom and Dad, that he should- that she was okay and the kids were okay- everyone was okay. He got quiet and peaceful around 5:30am, mumbled something at 8am and passed at 10:24am. His daughter Debbie had just come in to relieve Mom- Mom was going to go home and take a shower (normally this happens in the afternoon- not morning)- Mom stepped out at 10:15 or so, made it to the parking garage- for whatever reason took a wrong turn (still within the garage), because her mind was on Jerry, and then she got a call to come back in. When she got back in, they said he had passed. Nurses and Debbie expressed to Mom, "He waited for you to leave." He wanted to spare her feelings. She sat with him and talked to him until they came to get him 12:30pm. I talked with her a little then- so did Angela. He was born on the 14th, he was diagnosed (w/ the severity) on the 14th and he was laid to rest on the 14th. One of the most beautiful cemeteries I've ever seen. Not that I tour cemeteries- but just gorgeous!!! I told Mom that he and we may have wanted him in FL, but his parents and God had a different plan. He was laid to rest next to his parents- as an only child- I think that is a wonderful story. His parents bought a family plot some time ago. I believe his Grandmother is there as well.
I do think that everything happens for a reason. I do think that over their 20 year relationship, the last three months were challenging and wonderful at the same time and the last several hours were cherished moments and words were simply a blessing. We left OH the morning of the 15th and Shane left out of Atlanta on the 16th. Gary, Jerry's son, called at one point on the 17th to tell Mom that after the service and gathering of family and friends (on the 14th)- he had returned home (Jerry's home) and when he went to turn on the outside light- it never even came on. The light had been turned on every night. The bulb was now burned out.
It's amazing that we can laugh and cry at the same time.
Mom is doing okay- Dr has her on something- She calls it her happy pill. I told her it was okay to cry- she said she was crying at EVERYTHING. So, her pills help. She sounds really good. I speak with her almost everyday- which is normal anyway.
Shane was sad. Shane, like me, was grateful for the initial visit.
I know- your eyes are burning from all the reading! My eyes are puffy & pink because I teared up the whole time. It's a happy ending though....... I just know it!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Full Moon Sighting At Local Gym

I go to the gym for several reasons. In no particular order, here are a few of those reasons:
It sounds good! Nothing sounds better (especially when it's true) than, "I just got home from the gym" or "I just pulled up at the gym" or "I'm getting ready to go to the gym." Adding urgency to these statements (with intentional voice fluctuation) is also impressive to those who are parked, on the couch. Asking, "Can I call you back later?" added to any of the above quotes really does have the couch potato you're speaking to, question themselves; their laziness, their health status, their level of fitness, their pending cellulite and their lack of initiative. "I'm getting ready to go to the gym, can I call you back later?" Do you detect the sense of urgency? It speaks volumes, doesn't it? (voice fluctuation is key)
Improved sex life! The older you get, the better shape you'd better be in if you plan on having marathon sex, like you did in your 20's and early 30's. Working out at the gym will provide flexibility, drive (endorphins) and stamina. These are the answers to marathon sex. Well, that and a light meal. When you enter your 40's, you can't take on a heavy meal and have 'dessert' like you used to. The rules of sex after a meal are much like the rules of swimming after a meal, there should be a minimum of a 20 minute wait before 'swimming.' Cramps and gas are not sexy. Why put you or your 'swim partner' through it? Trying to ignore or defend natural body functions when you're having sex too soon after a heavy meal is just... well, it's just not worth it. Do yourself, and your 'swim partner' a favor, and wait the 20 minutes, MINIMUM!
To look good naked! (for yourself and your significant other) There are many levels of nakedness when a woman gets older.
"Only After 9pm Naked", this naked woman wants no part of being naked in the daylight hours and will only shed her clothes after dark.
"Night Light or Candle Light Naked", this woman is only a fraction more secure than 'Only After 9pm Naked', as she will shed clothes in the dim light of a night light or candle night. No, not both. One or the other. The night light must have the lowest watt of bulb and if it's candle light you chose, then make sure it's been purchased from your local dollar store, instead of a store more reputable of true candle burning, like Yankee Candles. She wants the candle so dim, you'll question if it's even lit at all.
"Hall Light or Closet Light Naked", this naked woman is letting you know that a night light or candle light aren't enough light and that true daylight or the actual bedroom light are too much light. The 'hall light or closet light' are just right.
"Daylight or Bedroom Light Naked", this woman is far more comfortable and confident than the previous 'naked' women you've just read about. This is not to say she even has a flawless body, comfortable and confident doesn't necessarily mean flawless. Men really seem to like this 'naked' woman.
Lastly, there's the "Put Your Clothes On Naked." This naked woman would rather be naked than be clothed. You'll find yourself asking her often, "Are you going to put some clothes on?" Even insisting, "Will you please put some clothes on!" Regardless of your level of 'naked', everyone wants to look good, or at least better, naked. At least that's what I've heard.
To see what the shorts are saying nowadays! You know the shorts. You should be 95lbs-130lbs to wear them and ages 13-19 to own them. 'CHEER' across the backside is the most popular. I've seen a few others, 'JUICY' and 'CUTE' , just to name a couple. Last week, a pair of 'CHEER' shorts entered the gym, their owner was NOT in her teens. I would say she was in her late 40's, and walked with such confidence; really owning her 'CHEER' shorts. What message is she trying to convey? Should we 'CHEER' her on for her youthful, foolish style? Should we 'CHEER' for the fact that she sqwoze into these shorts that did actually fit her, but did not look good on her? (no, sqwoze is not a word, but squeeze wasn't comical enough- work with me here) I just think that if you're of such an age, or even a weight, that may not be 'CHEER' shorts friendly, that you should have fun with it! If you're going to have a message stamped, so proudly, on your ass for all to see... at least make it interesting. Do what I did, get some fabric paints and doodle on your ass. This technique works best if your gym shorts/pants are not on your body. Some suggestions that you may find as fun as I have are... FULL MOON... ASSTASTIC... GOT CHAIR... CHAIR ASS... BOUNCE HOUSE... THE END... CHEER IS FOR LAUNDRY... WIDE LOAD... I'M POOPED... ASS MAY APPEAR LARGER ON TREADMILL... SPANX ME... DEFYING GRAVITY... CAKES & PIES... CHEEKS WITH DIMPLES... HOUR GLASS (but X out the 'GL' in GLASS).
or, put two hand prints back there, one on each cheek. just make sure the hands are proportional to the size of your ass, or you're going to look stupid.
The list goes on and on! The one 'ass message' that will be sure to get attention is a lengthy message that will take a steady hand and decent, small/tiny/microscopic print, reading: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME AND WAY TOO CLOSE TO MY ASS. MY INNER THIRD GRADER THINKS YOU SHOULD TAKE A PICTURE 'CAUSE IT'LL LAST LONGER. MY INNER ROSEANNE BARR WANTS TO REMIND YOU TO USE THE WIDE ANGLE LENS. BUT WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO DO, IS BACK THE HELL UP BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE THROAT. HAVE A BLESSED DAY.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

How Do You Spell the Word, What?

It's official! I have bypassed 'turning into my Mother' today, and have gone straight for the gusto, by 'turning into my Grandmother.'
I looked at my S.O. (Significant Other; as I affectionately refer to him, with only the best of acronyms), and asked, "How do you spell the word, What?" It was as though my S.O. and I had been married for 20 years when he replied, "What the hell are you talking about?" I said, "I thought I knew how to spell 'what', but it doesn't look right!" Then it seemed like we were having a Spelling Bee for Preschoolers in our living room. The result: I did spell 'what' correctly, it just didn't look right. My eyes are older and more goofy now. What can I say?
I am no longer my Mother; I am now my Grandmother. Well, except I'm alive. My Grandmother passed away a few years ago, but believe me, if she were alive today, she too, would be asking, "How do you spell the word, What?"
These ridiculous moments of foolishness are, in the Shannon Language, described as 'Kathy Moments' (my Mother) or 'Barbara-isms' (my late Grandmother, and Kathy's Mother) If you want to see horns grow on a woman, just reference her in any way shape or form back to her Mother. And only then, may God have mercy on your soul!
Awwwww..... family genes! Damn it!
Visiting my son recently, a sentence came so easily from his mouth; one that did not go over well with my ears. "You look like Grandma." Now, I know he didn't say, "You look like 'A' Grandma," but the thought of me not attending more Pilates Classes did cross my mind. I really wanted to just kick him in the teeth; but lucky for him, my stubby legs couldn't reach! My immediate second thought was, 'How the hell am I going to spank this 21 year old, almost 6', 200 lb jackass?' I never really spanked him as a child, and would you look how he's turned out? This offspring of mine just insulted me with the most vicious of words! I then, must have given him a look that I wanted to kick him in the teeth, because he urgently tried to redeem himself by adding, "Well, not all the time. Just right then. You only looked like Grandma for a second." What did he just say? (now my hearing is playing tricks on me) Did jackass just repeat himself with an encore of stupidity?
My horns came out so fast, the broomstick I normally ride, turned into a pitchfork! Just when I thought I would beat him with my broomstick, now I can jab at him with my pitchfork! I didn't need a Pilates Class for Pitchfork Jabbing! Now, if someone could just hold him still! My reflex's aren't what they used to be.
It's inevitable. We do resemble our breeders; from physical features and characteristics, to mannerisms and even dialect. I look like my Mother and my sister looks like my Father, just less masculine. (At least that's what I tell her)
We too, even jab at one another. Like when she said, "I'm glad I don't have Mom's ass." Then I reminded her, "Yeah, but you have Dad's chest!"
Thankfully, we both have a cents of humor!
('Cents' doesn't look right, but I spell checked it. Like I said, my eyes are older and more goofy now)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

to say "I Do" or not to say "I Do"

There are so many benefits to being married, as well as the many benefits of not being married. In a relationship, your significant other is usually put on a pedestal. Not a high pedestal; more of a small step stool, like small children use to reach the bathroom sink. When you're married, your spouse is usually put on the back burner. The back burner position isn't intentional, it's not even immediate. It is however, inevitable.
As women, we tend to get pampered and tend to pamper ourselves more, when we're not married. Buying undergarments, for example. When single, the female tends to purchase items from specialty boutiques like Victoria's Secret. Seeking little black things, little red things, little see-thru things; the smaller, the better. Now married, and our bride is in Walmart buying value packs of Hanes Her Way. She goes from reading really explicit articles like, "32 positions on your dining room table" to very helpful articles like, "expecting 32 for thanksgiving dinner? how to decorate your dining room table." The changes do not happen overnight and they will also not occur all at once. The New York Strip dinner has turned into a Gourmet Meatloaf dinner, not because she's trying to save money (yet), but because the picture on the back of the Lipton Onion Soup Mix box has challenged your bride and her domestic talents. Her 'inner- Martha' is out and loose in your kitchen. May you have a fire extinguisher close by. When she was single, sure she may have clipped and used coupons. But now that she's married, she uses a coupon organizer. From afar, it looks like a very thick envelope. But come a little closer and meet a bride's new best friend. It files all her coupons in convenient categories and is still compact enough to fit in her purse. Such an outstanding system for saving, yet not taken into consideration until after she weds. And you thought she shaved her legs daily? No sir! She shaved every other day. Now that she's married, the task of shaving has sadly decreased to two days a week. This is why she may be wearing tube socks to bed. It's not because she's cold. It's because she's hairy.
The groom goes through some changes too. When dating, he showered his girl with gifts and may have been even a little spontaneous. (for any men reading this blog, take a moment and look up the word spontaneous. women love spontaneity) It's not that the gifts were large or even expensive. Just small, romantic gestures and surprises for her, from time to time. However, after he marries, the surprises now only arrive on occasions. These are known as gifts. They'll show up on Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, an Anniversary and maybe Mother's Day- that is, if you have children or pets... and that's if he remembers these occasions. You'll notice Christmas is the one occasion he'll seldom forget. Thanks to the large, decorated tree in your living room, this will remind him that Christmas is approaching. Although, no matter how large the hint, the male, married or not, will always wait until the last minute to shop. No matter what the occasion.
For the husband, after about three years, he will no longer give actual gifts. His wife will receive gift cards, instead. Not very personable; most wives are offended and insulted by this form of gift giving. But, they should pace themselves, because in another couple years, they don't even get gift cards... they'll get cash. And not from a beautifully decorated card and envelope, but from their husband's wallet, over breakfast, Christmas morning. The only reason you didn't get gift cards or cash within the first few years of wedded bliss, is because you'll be receiving random appliances. A new vacuum, a George Forman Grill, a Swiffer Wet Jet, maybe some new razors- his way of offering assistance with your neglected hairy legs... and from the true 'role model' of a husband, a weed eater. He's been wanting you to help with the yard work, but never really knew how to ask. Or, like with the new razors, maybe the weed eater is his way of offering assistance with your overgrown bikini line. "Merry Christmas"

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Halfway Home

In my previous blogs, you may have giggled a little, laughed a lot, rolled your eyes or found no interest whatsoever in what I had to chirp about; clicking the red X box to log off! And that's fine, and it is!
Entering my 40's, two great sayings; or mantra's, or motto's, that I still love and have brought with me into my fourth decade are, "it's all good!" and "no worries!" Did you notice the exclamation points? If you say it, mean it! Own it! Express it! Live it! We all know this is crap and is easier said than done. However, our intentions are always good. Are they not? I have the best of intentions. I also have a severe lack discipline, cuss like I'm trying to meet a 'curse word quota,' and procrastinate like no other! Procrastination is the worst trait or characteristic to possess; I'd improve upon it, but I'm too busy procrastinating! It's awful!!! And that is no joke!
Not really knowing my Dad's side of the family, I can only do the numbers based on my Mom's side of the family. I lost my Grandfather three months after his 80th birthday. I lost my Grandmother one week before her 80th birthday. 80! Hummm? If God grants me the life; to allow eighty balloons in a room, with a cake that is topped with two candles, an 8 and a 0. A room filled with family, close friends, and even Great Grandchildren who won't want to be there because they'll have better things to do... I would be the happiest birthday girl in the room!!!
Is it bad that I feel like I am halfway home? I'm forty now, and although Math wasn't my best subject, I know that in another forty, God willing, I will be eighty. I'm in the 'second act,' 'round two,' or what about 'part two?' Now, what do I want to be when I grow up? What pressure! At what age do we grow up? There are certainly stages and milestones in our life. But do we ever really grow up? I am a firm believer that age is just a number; that your attitude and mindset will guide you to more positive places, and I don't mean geographically.
I have friends who are puzzled that I speak up for myself, can make small talk with almost anyone, can speak in front of a crowd; saying, "I wish I could do that!" Well, why can't you? You, are your only obstacle. You may need to read that again. You, are the only one who may be making excuses. You, need to take ownership of you. Because You, are limitless! You have no limits! You are unlimited! The limits or obstacles that you create, are just that, ones You create! So, stop it already!
Your life should have no regrets. Life is about taking chances, enjoying your family, being blessed with good friends and relationships, being grateful you woke up today and taking full advantage of the day. It's about doing things you love, and compromising when you need to. Speaking up for yourself and taking ownership with everything you do. Admitting when you are wrong and apologizing if you need to, sincerely.
I knew a man who was always sharing with me how envious he was that I was so close with my family and that he wished his family were like that. To this day, that man now has a family of his own and still has no good connection with his own family; his parents, his siblings, his nieces and nephews. I wonder, what will that do for his children and for their future families? Break the cycle. Set the example, and lead by that example.
Many years ago, I was good friends with colleague at work. She was out for a week or two and no one really knew why. One day she came back in, stopped by to say hello and to speak with management. She stopped by my desk only for a quick hello. I said, "How are you?" and in a voice that sounded like she had the worst cold ever, she said, "Sick." Thinking she had a horrible cold or the flu, in a jokingly manner, I said, "Well, don't give it to me!" I think I caught her off guard with that statement, she rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, I won't." She proceeded to the back to speak with management and I never get to see her before she left. She passed away just a few weeks after. Turns out, she didn't have a horrible cold. She had been crying because she learned she had a brain tumor. She was there to speak with management and human resources, and to also clean out her locker. She later learned the tumor was inoperable. I called to let her know I was thinking about her; which how do you call someone with an inoperable brain tumor? It was difficult. Making it even more unbearable, all she could say was, "You're not going to get it! Don't worry, you're not going to get it!" She remembered our previous conversation very clearly. She was crying and not making much sense. That was a very emotional phone call. Her husband reassured me that she was on numerous medications and that she wasn't angry at me. She was just angry, and that it was the meds talking. From the time she was out of work, to the time she passed away, it was no more than two months total. She was mid forties, newly married and so upset that management gave her one amount for a raise and she thought she deserved more. She was living her life. I wonder if she would have done anything differently? If she had any regrets? If she said all the 'I love yous' she wanted, and if she heard them as well?
If you want to do something, do it! Do it with love and do it with conviction! Stop procrastinating! Take ownership and enjoy your day. Stop saying you'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow is an assumption, not a guarantee!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Hubba Bubba and Doc Baker

It was only when my Monday got away from me, and I was I sitting with a couple of girlfriends that evening, and I realized, 'I guess I can blog about anything.'
We weren't speaking ill of husbands, which is usually what happens when you get a few vaginas together. We weren't chatting about how children can suck both your energy and a few of your brain cells, so effortlessly and successfully. We were however, speaking of dentists, one mouth doctor, and gynecologists, the other mouth doctor...... come on people, they both say "open wide."
We found ourselves sharing phobias, terror in the chair and a gynecologists visit that went so wrong, you could only laugh. As that's all you could really do, because the thirty minute visit was so unprofessional, irresponsible and a farce of an appointment; that had I known what I was truly in-store for, I would have B.Y.O.B. Brought my own BArTeNdEr! And maybe even my own BoUnCeR!
I hadn't shared the experience in two years. At the time, the only person I shared the experience with, was the young lady I knew, whose work was affiliated with a local hospital, who seemed to have a great head on her shoulders, and who referred me to this doctor. The very dreaded, gynecologist.
Unlike most women, I don't mind the 'downstairs' doctor. He or she has attended medical school, can prescribe drugs, can deliver a new baby into the world and can keep my 'downstairs' healthy and in working order. I have a wonderful 'downstairs' doctor in Florida, but recently moving to Georgia, was shopping for a new one. Took the advice of a friend, as noted above. A 'downstairs' doctor is not someone you do business with based on a billboard or an ad in the yellow pages. You go to reputable friends and have them suggest reputable doctors. Although, what I learned with this experience, I should have checked my reputable friend's references.
Allow me to share my thirty minute appointment with you. Though I am one to embellish and even exaggerate, there was no embellishment or exaggeration needed with this 'story.' Sad but true!
I had just seen my doctor in Florida for my annual visit. We discussed heavy bleeding, he suggested a procedure where the inside of the uterus is burned a little bit to prevent such heavy bleeding. Or maybe we discussed roasting marshmallows, this has been almost 3 years ago, so I really don't remember. So, my doctor had suggested finding a local doctor, learn that doctor's opinion and go from there.
My visit started off like any other. I signed in, they took my license and insurance card, I filled out a book worth of paperwork, signed on the dotted line and waited. It should be acknowledged, from the initial phone call to the office, to the day I was now in the office, I shared many times (not to waste the doctor's time) that I had just seen my Florida doctor and I was there for a consultation and a possible second opinion.
The waiting room was standard, clean and loaded with every issue of Parents magazine. I noticed through a vertical glass panel of the office a very young assistant. I didn't know what her role was; I knew that she was in scrubs, looked young enough to have not even started her first period, yet was holding a clipboard. I can remember laughing to myself, wondering, 'since when do you need a clipboard to clean a doctor's office?' Well, five minutes later, with the most comical of irony, the scrub-wearing custodian must have gotten promoted, because she was now in the waiting room, calling my name to come on back. I'm walking beside her, wanting so desperately to ask, "is it bring your daughter to work day?" But, I couldn't say anything. I could only stare. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, she didn't look a day over fourteen and she seemed to be a little too happy. Annoyingly bubbly. We start with the blood pressure. She's asking me how my day was going, I was looking for hickeys on her neck. Blood pressure kind of high, no hickeys to be found. Now I notice she's chewing gum. Did she buy this with her allowance or her paycheck? She's taken my blood pressure and is about to record my weight, now I'm annoyed that she probably makes more than I do and got to work on her Huffy banana seat bike. There's no way she's old enough to drive. Then she asks me to get on the scale. My Hubba Bubba chewing, hickey-free, underage, money in the bank, cheerleader records my weight without laughing out loud, or batting an eye, and invites me to follow her back to a room. A room? What does this mean?
When you have your initial appointment with a gynecologist, there is always a consultation in their office. An office where you can view their medical degree, see family photos and maybe some artwork their child did in third grade. This is the only doctor's office where this takes place. There is no such consultation, or meet and greet, if you will, with any other doctor! As we were walking down the hall, I could tell there was not going to be such a meet and greet today. I could tell I was walking away from the welcoming zone. Several steps later, my Hubba Bubba princess opens the door, escorts me in and politely tells me the doctor will be in soon. She asks me to put the gown on, open in the front, and leaves. Just as I'm thinking, 'I'm here for a consultation,' I notice my room. My exam room. My suite. My suite was unlike any other. If I had an iphone back then, I would have taken several pictures for evidence. It's amazing what a woman who is expected to be naked in five minutes can notice in five minutes. The room was the size of an exam room, but with no exam room features. No pictures of newborns on the wall. No silk flower arrangements in sight. No small boxes of tissues to be seen. Most importantly, no screen or divider, no curtain, no separate room, no nothing for one to change. Believe me I looked. And when I looked, that's when I realized where I was. I was in a storage room, that just happened to have an exam table. There were many machines in the room, a filing cabinet and white walls with nothing but a diagram of a vagina you may have caught in Health Class. Not that all storage rooms have a diagram of a vagina in them, but I know a storage room when I see one. I was in a storage room. Any second a man who I have never met, will be in and is expecting me to be naked, wearing a worn hospital gown that never closes properly in front.... and I'm still dressed. And there's nowhere to change. And I'm pretty sure Ashton Kutcher is going to walk in any moment with a camera crew, letting me know I've been 'punk'd.' And, I would welcome him. I would welcome Ashton with a hug, because there is no other logical explanation as to why this is happening to me. But, I can't think about hugging Ashton now, I need to remove all clothing and get into the generic gown, like ten minutes ago. Hubba Bubba and Doc Baker (yes, that's a Little House on the Prairie reference) will be in any second. The only thing that would make this more uncomfortable is if Bubba and Baker walk in, mid-change. Or so I thought!
I've made my way through the clutter and am now on the exam table, very upset that I shaved. Not that the gynecologist caresses your legs anyway, but with today's events, it would have been nice that if he actually bumped into me, I would have cut him with my leg stubble. Damn it, I shouldn't have been so thoughtful!
He knocks (I'm shocked) and enters. Hubba Bubba in tow, clipboard and all. He shakes my hand, introduces himself and is seemingly polite. Draped in my open gown, I briefly reiterate that I was there for a consultation and had just had my 'annual' a month ago. We chat about the heavy bleeding, the recommendation and the fact I was seeking a local doctor. I did neglect to tell him I would still be seeking a local doctor after this visit.
Always the next sentence to hear, "Well, let's take a look." Hubba Bubba was off to my left, several feet over and my doctor for the day, Doc Baker was just about to start a breast exam... for my consultation.... for my heavy bleeding........ Where the hell are my BaRtEnDeR and BoUnCeR? Anyway, right boob pops out; more like falls out, and Hubba Bubba looks straight up to the ceiling, as if she just saw a shooting star. My hickey-free cheerleader couldn't even make eye contact with raw boob number one. She was uncomfortable and I'm sure was in some slight neck pain based on how fast she looked up when the boob fell out. Right boob isn't even the big boob, left boob, will undoubtedly put her in therapy! Thank God for my peripheral vision, but still waiting for Ashton Kutcher to arrive. Boobage good, now Doc Baker continues his exam 'downstairs.' Luckily, if Bubba stays where she is, the only thing she's going to view is side thigh cellulite. I wanted to tell her, "Stay Bubba, stay!" Doc Baker agrees with Florida doctor to procedure to prevent monthly hemorrhaging. While still stationed 'downstaris' he asked me something, and I made the mistake of looking up when answering. I now realize I have a height preference for 'downstairs' doctors. I looked up, but I didn't see him. I saw the top of his nose and his eyes. No mouth, no chin, no shoulders, no chest. He's too short to be a doctor, at least a 'downstairs' doctor. Was he sitting on a stool? I know when he walked in, I was the taller of us. I also know I was on an exam table. But, he was short. So short that all I did see was his head, and only part of it. Which took me back to birthing videos, when for the first few minutes of birth, all you see is a head. Here I am answering this doctor's question and all I see is half head. Next uncomfortable thought, 'so this is what I would look like giving birth to adult human head.'
He needed to stand up! Or buy some shoes with lifts, or heals! I need to close my legs, get dressed and get out! I am happy to report that when my Florida doctor asks a question, I can see his head, his shoulders and his chest and I have no notions of giving birth to an adult human head.
In sharing this very true story with the few people I have, the same question is always asked, "Why didn't you leave?" And to that I answer, "Are you f***ing kidding me!!!" I had to see what was going to happen next. Train wreck from the time I walked in, to the time I left. I wasn't in any danger. It was surreal and I wasn't about to cut my visit short. No way!!! I was not going to be rattled by Bubba and Baker!!! I paid the co-pay and left.
The office called a couple weeks after, asking if were interested in making an appointment for the procedure; I never laughed so hard in my life! Went on to explain that I would never return to their office and said several curse words, both old and new, in the process. After telling this story to the woman who referred me, she was stunned, horrified and embarrassed. She tells me she's always been in an exam room, with tissues and flowers and newborn photos on the wall. Well just rub it in, why don't you! When I asked about Hubba Bubba, my 'friend' later learned and shared with me, that Hubba Bubba was Doc Baker's daughter, she was seventeen and she was going to nursing school. The woman who called me back regarding a future appointment was his wife, she works in the office as well.
So, i guess it's, bring your family to work day... Everyday!
Even living in Georgia, I still visit Florida to see family, friends, and my outstanding, and tall; Bubba-free, 'downstairs' doctor!!!
Even if my all girl parts fall on the floor tomorrow, I would pick them up, pack them up and we'd be on our way to Florida! Maybe stopping for a few travel necessities, Slim Jims, bottled water, a Whatchamacallit and a pack of Hubba Bubba!

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Have You Seen My Bundt Cake?

I'm not sure if what I witnessed recently was a confidence, an obliviousness or simply, denial at its best. Allow to me acknowledge the woman who was standing ahead of me at the concession counter at the movies, who ordered a large popcorn with extra butter. Specifically telling, not really asking, but telling the popcorn 'fetcher' that she wanted the butter on the bottom, in the middle and on the top... and a large diet coke! I was actually hoping a small, but strong, child was around to maybe pick my jaw up off the floor. I certainly couldn't do it myself. I was in shock! I was stunned! I couldn't move! And here's why..... this lovely lover of popcorn with layered butter and large fountain diet drinks, was, let me start off by saying, was old enough to dress herself. She appeared to be mid 20's, white, about 5'7" and if I would have to guess.... based on every episode of the Biggest Loser I have ever seen; which is all of them, and of course my own weight, I would say she weighed anywhere from 280lbs-286lbs. Yes, I gave myself a 6lb curve. I also just typed a very lengthy 'run on' sentence, that would not impress my former English teachers. But, that's one of the perks of blogging! Well, that and the fact I haven't brushed my teeth today! Or gotten dressed!
Anyway, I'm standing by my 280lb guess. I'm really good at guessing people's weight, especially women's weight. I have been almost every size. In my adult life, my body has ventured from an 8 all the way to a very full, but loose, 22. Well, the 20 was way too tight, so although I did 'graduate' to a 22, it should be noted they were LOOSE!!! And I only wore them twice! Then I burned them! Let's face it, the only 20's a woman should ever be in, should last only 10 years.... and that should be her age, not her size.
Okay, back to my twenty-something, robust, popcorn with layered butter lover. She was wearing, hummm... where to start.... I'll start from the ground up. She was wearing black ballerina flats, jeans and a top with cap sleeves. The flats were cute; they're trendy, enough said. Her shoes were not what made me ask a 7 year old boy if he could please hand me my jaw from the floor. The jeans? Well, the jeans were denim, they were very tight, they were something that she would have needed assistance getting into. I find myself wondering if she's wearing a catheter today, because that movie 'snack' is going to hit her bladder at some point. Who will assist her when her bladder is dancing? My concern wouldn't be getting the jeans down necessarily, but getting them back up. I can only pray she has her cell phone with her in case of an emergency! She's going to need a few extra hands to help her pack herself back in there. The jeans were low rise. I guess it's easier to let it all hang out than pack 'everything' in a pair of jeans? I don't even know why they produce low rise jeans for anyone over a size 12 or so... it's just cruel. At least apply some self tanner to the 'overage' you're exposing. Let's talk overage, shall we? I've heard of a muffin top, I comprehend the muffin top... this was more like a bundt cake exploded!!! As they say in Georgia, this was a "hot mess!" Her 'middle' was everywhere! Just hanging out! Saying "hello!" It was layered, much like her popcorn. The upper 'middle' was laying on the middle 'middle' and then the lower 'middle' was what was so desperately packed into her 'cute' jeans! Just a mess! But like any decent train wreck, you couldn't turn away! And I couldn't. I felt so bad that I couldn't turn away. Well, no I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. I really didn't. The cap sleeve top was kind of sheer, which really didn't matter only because her 'middle' was out and about anyway. The good news about the portly arms dangling from the cap sleeve top, is that they would seem to withstand carrying a large popcorn weighed down with excessive butter and a large diet drink. The top was on the short side, or, was it her belly was on the long side? All I know is, I was there to see a movie and I couldn't step away from this hot mess of a plus size preview I was witnessing at the concession counter! I should be ashamed. But, I wasn't. I was impressed! Was this a confidence that I was witnessing? If so, where did such confidence come from? Was this an obliviousness? Maybe she has no idea? Maybe she has no mirrors in her home? But does she not feel the draft across her layered 'middle'? Or is this denial? Maybe this heifer thinks these jeans fit great, cover her, flatter her and look absolutely hot! Maybe? If you know me at all, then you know I do have the balls to ask. However, I left my balls at home that day! I know I wanted to do one of two things in that very moment: Give her the infamous 1994 "You Go Girl!" or Remind her, "You know, when you buy a large popcorn and large drink, you get free Snowcaps!" I did neither!
I looked, because I'm human. I was both concerned and impressed, that she didn't seem to care. I do hope that she finds a mirror. Extra weight is not good for your health, your heart, your body or your spirit. Assuming she is in her mid 20's, I hope she finds a mirror soon. Weight is a demon and weight fluctuation is Hell. I would want her to figure this out soon. To improve her health, to be kind to her heart, to rescue her body and to have the happiest of spirits!
Although I did leave my balls at home that day. Her balls are, by far, bigger than my balls!!! Congrats to that!!! You would never see me walking into McDonalds in my bikini and Super-Sizing the Bic Mac Meal!
Thank God for the Drive Thru! See you there!!!

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Three Pairs of Jeans and a Fluffy Cashier!

As I work my way into my 40th year, I'm noticing it's like working your way into a pair of jeans that just came out of the hot dryer, the day you've started your period! You knew it was coming, you wish you were better prepared and you're regretting inhaling that bag of potato chips yesterday! You now have beads of sweat forming in a variety of places, desirable and not, because you're doing the "i think i can" dance to get into a pair of jeans that clearly should have been 'line' dried and not 'dryer' dried! I'm not saying you need to get a clothesline for that time of the month. Do what I do, throw the washed jeans over the bars of your treadmill. The jeans will keep your other 'treadmill clothes' company.
Where are your period jeans? If you wear a size 12, smart women of all ages know that you should have a size 14 on standby. These are your Period Jeans! Don't forget about your Low Self Esteem Jeans, these are the size 16 you should have on standby! Let's be honest, period or no period, we all have fat days! You take your 'fat day' size 12, jump into the Low Self Esteem size 16.... and the compliments are never ending!!! "Wow, you've lost weight!" "You look amazing!"
You will feel light as a feather, I guarantee it!
Although, I will tell you... when you're purchasing a pair of size 12, 14 and 16 jeans simultaneously, the cashier does tend to give you a questionable look. My suggestion: throw in a pregnancy test for good measure! Then just make small talk, "I hope it's a girl!" Obviously, this only applies if you're buying jeans at Target or Walmart. Last I knew, they didn't sell pregnancy tests at Macy's. If you're shopping for your three pairs of jeans where there are no pregnancy tests, don't panic, just purchase individually. It is more time consuming, but you'll save yourself the questions the inquiring cashier would ask. Well, unless she's on the fluffy side. The fluffier cashier would probably appreciate the three-jean-tip!!!
I hope you appreciated this tip!!! You're welcome!
And no... the 40's aren't so bad.... you just have to have the right attitude AND the right pair of jeans AND a treadmill!!!

Friday, June 4, 2010

"Blogging for Dummies" leads to a 'road-walker' make-over on Oprah

There is no doubt that there is a thick, bright yellow book waiting for me at Barnes & Noble titled, "Blogging for Dummies." I, however, will chance it. I will make do, without. I will attempt to make ALL of my English teachers proud of me; my eleventh grade Journalism teacher as well. Besides, I'd rather not part with the assumed asking price of $19.95. Instead, I will 'wing it!' Those who may not be familiar with the term 'wing it,' please refer to "Slang for Dummies." No, nothing to do with a bird; that would be located in yet another, bright yellow book, "Inappropriate Hand Gestures for Dummies."
So, Where to begin? I have NO idea! Do I blog about funny things, sad things, honest things, happy things, depressing things, friends I love, friends who are no longer friends; or maybe, family members I'd rather not claim? Do I blog about sex, weight, money, vacations, bad habits, embarrassing moments, food, hobbies, relationships, health; or, what about love? Do I blog about strangers who walk along the side of the road, and based on their tan and the look of dehydration, have been walking awhile? Should I confess to you, that on more than one occasion, I thought of pulling over and asking, "Where are you going?" Actually, here we are, only the second paragraph in, and I'm lying to you. I wouldn't ask, "Where are you going?" I think I would ask, "How did you get here?" I know I would NOT ask the very obvious, "Don't your feet hurt?" That's just rude! But seriously, where is he going? How did he get 'here'? Does he have family? And most importantly, how much farther is he going to walk? I get sweaty and struggle to walk level one on the treadmill for twenty minutes, and it seems he's been walking for hours, if not days. I don't think he imagined that for himself. I don't think when his third grade teacher asked, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" his response was, "A thirsty, tan, road-walker." Forgive me, "road-walker" just sounds cuter than "homeless." There's nothing 'cute' about being homeless; about being a road-walker.
The most bizarre thoughts run through my mind though. Like, 'Wow, he's Tan!' You can never go wrong with a bronzed body! Well, except for the skin cancer. Of course, then I start thinking... 'Okay, he's a road-walker, I doubt he has Blue Cross. Not only does he need a ride, some money, food and water; what he really needs is sunscreen!' Next bizarre thought, 'Nice body!' He seems to be in great shape. Look at the work-out he's getting, extensive cardio and weight lifting. He's carrying what looks to be a pretty full backpack. Based on the size of the body he's chopped up, Lord only knows the weight of that backpack. I almost got in an accident last week when I found myself doing 13mph in a 55mph. I was trying to get a better look at a road-walker's face. No doubt, a semi-attractive road-walker can cause some accidents, people! But, with a soap filled shower, a haircut and a shave; I often wonder if the road-walker I pass today is going to be Oprah's 'make-over' success story tomorrow?
The lengths that people will go through to be on Oprah!