Sunday, June 6, 2010

Have You Seen My Bundt Cake?

I'm not sure if what I witnessed recently was a confidence, an obliviousness or simply, denial at its best. Allow to me acknowledge the woman who was standing ahead of me at the concession counter at the movies, who ordered a large popcorn with extra butter. Specifically telling, not really asking, but telling the popcorn 'fetcher' that she wanted the butter on the bottom, in the middle and on the top... and a large diet coke! I was actually hoping a small, but strong, child was around to maybe pick my jaw up off the floor. I certainly couldn't do it myself. I was in shock! I was stunned! I couldn't move! And here's why..... this lovely lover of popcorn with layered butter and large fountain diet drinks, was, let me start off by saying, was old enough to dress herself. She appeared to be mid 20's, white, about 5'7" and if I would have to guess.... based on every episode of the Biggest Loser I have ever seen; which is all of them, and of course my own weight, I would say she weighed anywhere from 280lbs-286lbs. Yes, I gave myself a 6lb curve. I also just typed a very lengthy 'run on' sentence, that would not impress my former English teachers. But, that's one of the perks of blogging! Well, that and the fact I haven't brushed my teeth today! Or gotten dressed!
Anyway, I'm standing by my 280lb guess. I'm really good at guessing people's weight, especially women's weight. I have been almost every size. In my adult life, my body has ventured from an 8 all the way to a very full, but loose, 22. Well, the 20 was way too tight, so although I did 'graduate' to a 22, it should be noted they were LOOSE!!! And I only wore them twice! Then I burned them! Let's face it, the only 20's a woman should ever be in, should last only 10 years.... and that should be her age, not her size.
Okay, back to my twenty-something, robust, popcorn with layered butter lover. She was wearing, hummm... where to start.... I'll start from the ground up. She was wearing black ballerina flats, jeans and a top with cap sleeves. The flats were cute; they're trendy, enough said. Her shoes were not what made me ask a 7 year old boy if he could please hand me my jaw from the floor. The jeans? Well, the jeans were denim, they were very tight, they were something that she would have needed assistance getting into. I find myself wondering if she's wearing a catheter today, because that movie 'snack' is going to hit her bladder at some point. Who will assist her when her bladder is dancing? My concern wouldn't be getting the jeans down necessarily, but getting them back up. I can only pray she has her cell phone with her in case of an emergency! She's going to need a few extra hands to help her pack herself back in there. The jeans were low rise. I guess it's easier to let it all hang out than pack 'everything' in a pair of jeans? I don't even know why they produce low rise jeans for anyone over a size 12 or so... it's just cruel. At least apply some self tanner to the 'overage' you're exposing. Let's talk overage, shall we? I've heard of a muffin top, I comprehend the muffin top... this was more like a bundt cake exploded!!! As they say in Georgia, this was a "hot mess!" Her 'middle' was everywhere! Just hanging out! Saying "hello!" It was layered, much like her popcorn. The upper 'middle' was laying on the middle 'middle' and then the lower 'middle' was what was so desperately packed into her 'cute' jeans! Just a mess! But like any decent train wreck, you couldn't turn away! And I couldn't. I felt so bad that I couldn't turn away. Well, no I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. I really didn't. The cap sleeve top was kind of sheer, which really didn't matter only because her 'middle' was out and about anyway. The good news about the portly arms dangling from the cap sleeve top, is that they would seem to withstand carrying a large popcorn weighed down with excessive butter and a large diet drink. The top was on the short side, or, was it her belly was on the long side? All I know is, I was there to see a movie and I couldn't step away from this hot mess of a plus size preview I was witnessing at the concession counter! I should be ashamed. But, I wasn't. I was impressed! Was this a confidence that I was witnessing? If so, where did such confidence come from? Was this an obliviousness? Maybe she has no idea? Maybe she has no mirrors in her home? But does she not feel the draft across her layered 'middle'? Or is this denial? Maybe this heifer thinks these jeans fit great, cover her, flatter her and look absolutely hot! Maybe? If you know me at all, then you know I do have the balls to ask. However, I left my balls at home that day! I know I wanted to do one of two things in that very moment: Give her the infamous 1994 "You Go Girl!" or Remind her, "You know, when you buy a large popcorn and large drink, you get free Snowcaps!" I did neither!
I looked, because I'm human. I was both concerned and impressed, that she didn't seem to care. I do hope that she finds a mirror. Extra weight is not good for your health, your heart, your body or your spirit. Assuming she is in her mid 20's, I hope she finds a mirror soon. Weight is a demon and weight fluctuation is Hell. I would want her to figure this out soon. To improve her health, to be kind to her heart, to rescue her body and to have the happiest of spirits!
Although I did leave my balls at home that day. Her balls are, by far, bigger than my balls!!! Congrats to that!!! You would never see me walking into McDonalds in my bikini and Super-Sizing the Bic Mac Meal!
Thank God for the Drive Thru! See you there!!!

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