Sunday, June 13, 2010

to say "I Do" or not to say "I Do"

There are so many benefits to being married, as well as the many benefits of not being married. In a relationship, your significant other is usually put on a pedestal. Not a high pedestal; more of a small step stool, like small children use to reach the bathroom sink. When you're married, your spouse is usually put on the back burner. The back burner position isn't intentional, it's not even immediate. It is however, inevitable.
As women, we tend to get pampered and tend to pamper ourselves more, when we're not married. Buying undergarments, for example. When single, the female tends to purchase items from specialty boutiques like Victoria's Secret. Seeking little black things, little red things, little see-thru things; the smaller, the better. Now married, and our bride is in Walmart buying value packs of Hanes Her Way. She goes from reading really explicit articles like, "32 positions on your dining room table" to very helpful articles like, "expecting 32 for thanksgiving dinner? how to decorate your dining room table." The changes do not happen overnight and they will also not occur all at once. The New York Strip dinner has turned into a Gourmet Meatloaf dinner, not because she's trying to save money (yet), but because the picture on the back of the Lipton Onion Soup Mix box has challenged your bride and her domestic talents. Her 'inner- Martha' is out and loose in your kitchen. May you have a fire extinguisher close by. When she was single, sure she may have clipped and used coupons. But now that she's married, she uses a coupon organizer. From afar, it looks like a very thick envelope. But come a little closer and meet a bride's new best friend. It files all her coupons in convenient categories and is still compact enough to fit in her purse. Such an outstanding system for saving, yet not taken into consideration until after she weds. And you thought she shaved her legs daily? No sir! She shaved every other day. Now that she's married, the task of shaving has sadly decreased to two days a week. This is why she may be wearing tube socks to bed. It's not because she's cold. It's because she's hairy.
The groom goes through some changes too. When dating, he showered his girl with gifts and may have been even a little spontaneous. (for any men reading this blog, take a moment and look up the word spontaneous. women love spontaneity) It's not that the gifts were large or even expensive. Just small, romantic gestures and surprises for her, from time to time. However, after he marries, the surprises now only arrive on occasions. These are known as gifts. They'll show up on Birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's Day, an Anniversary and maybe Mother's Day- that is, if you have children or pets... and that's if he remembers these occasions. You'll notice Christmas is the one occasion he'll seldom forget. Thanks to the large, decorated tree in your living room, this will remind him that Christmas is approaching. Although, no matter how large the hint, the male, married or not, will always wait until the last minute to shop. No matter what the occasion.
For the husband, after about three years, he will no longer give actual gifts. His wife will receive gift cards, instead. Not very personable; most wives are offended and insulted by this form of gift giving. But, they should pace themselves, because in another couple years, they don't even get gift cards... they'll get cash. And not from a beautifully decorated card and envelope, but from their husband's wallet, over breakfast, Christmas morning. The only reason you didn't get gift cards or cash within the first few years of wedded bliss, is because you'll be receiving random appliances. A new vacuum, a George Forman Grill, a Swiffer Wet Jet, maybe some new razors- his way of offering assistance with your neglected hairy legs... and from the true 'role model' of a husband, a weed eater. He's been wanting you to help with the yard work, but never really knew how to ask. Or, like with the new razors, maybe the weed eater is his way of offering assistance with your overgrown bikini line. "Merry Christmas"

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