It's Wednesday, December 8th, and for almost a week now, I've considered blogging about my love/hate relationship with food, budget, weight gain, weight loss, cellulite, middle age spread, gravity, body image, self worth, confidence, stretch marks, the gym, the compliments, the suggestions, the excuses, the jealousy, the Krispy Kreme 'HOT' sign, walks with inclines (like my driveway and the walk to the mailbox), photographs representing who I was then... who I am now... and how much I've turned into my Mother. Through my 41st year, I would like to encounter a true sense of self. Well, a sense of self and a closet full of size 8's. Loose fitting 8's! EIGHT's! ATEs!
You may be wondering why an 8? Well, because I know with an improved diet and daily workouts; whether at the gym or just walking my driveway to get the mail, I know it's feasible. I just need to work in 3D; channeling Dedication, Discipline and Determination! I also know what I weigh, what I feel like and what I look like when I wear a size 8. Besides, I don't want my size to be in double digits.... well, except my bra size!
Did I mention I'm 5'2 1/2"? Yes people, almost 5'3"!!! I weigh more than most 6' athletes! I'd like to say it's all muscle, but, I think the numbers speak for themselves! My highest... 246lbs. My current... 226lbs. My goals... A size 8 (approx 125lbs) and A true sense of self (priceless)!
What you'll find through my daily journaling, rather blogging, is that I'm painfully honest. I'm so honest, you may ask that I start lying! What got me thinking about blogging on this specific subject is, The Biggest Loser. The Biggest Loser is taking applications for their next season. Though for a very brief second I considered applying to be on the show; I then thought of all the job applications I've submitted over the last year (since my job was eliminated in Jan of 2009 because of budget cuts), and the thought of being rejected AGAIN didn't interest me. Besides, I know how to lose the weight, I just don't work in 3D all the time. Maybe there should be a 4th D: Daily!
I'd have too many stipulations for The Biggest Loser. I wouldn't permit cameras to air me working out without a bandana on my head... thanks to a 1999 diagnosed hormonal disorder, my hair is quite THIN on top. Sure, the word 'thin' may come to mind when watching The Biggest Loser, but it shouldn't reference my sparse scalp. Also, I wouldn't want the viewers to be concerned for my raw, tomato-red face; believe me, someone will want to dial a hotline! I have rosacea, and when I work out hard, my face looks like someone left it under a broiler a little too long. OUCH for the viewers' eyes and OUCH for my face... it actually stings a little, too! The rosacea diagnosis was a 40th birthday present; didn't really care for that present, but unfortunately, it wasn't returnable. Lastly, I have psoriasis. My psoriasis was diagnosed in my early 30s. Though the psoriasis can be unsightly on the elbows (I could care less about that); it's under the nails. Having no medical insurance, I no longer take Enbrel. So, for now, the nails are no longer attached. For those that are still attached, they need to be kept super short; not to catch on anything, and painted with dark polish; to not make your belly queasy. (should be back on Enbrel within the month)
Why too much information? Here comes the honesty... being an obese contestant on The Biggest Loser wouldn't bother me.... being the obese contestant, with no hair, a raw red face and nail-less fingers... well, that would have me screaming for Dr. Phil and a bartender!
So, I chose to take this journey to improved health, weight loss and an overall better sense of self, via blogging! To vent, to be honest and to be held accountable; not only to those reading, but to myself!
Why start on a Wednesday? No sense in waiting for Monday! No sense in waiting for 2011! Besides, with the few lbs I've already lost, I got a very nice, but disturbing compliment today. "Are you losing weight, your shoulders look smaller?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Did I have husky shoulders! Can we agree to maybe call them voluptuous shoulders? That (assumingly) heartfelt compliment, is why I decided to start the blog of honesty today! Maybe someone reading this blog, also has (unknowingly) voluptuous shoulders? This blog may inspire that person to acknowledge their plus size shoulder issue? Who in the world, compliments shoulder weight loss? One body part at a time, I guess!
Without the humiliation of failure, there is no greater incentive for success!