Monday, August 23, 2010

Full Moon Sighting At Local Gym

I go to the gym for several reasons. In no particular order, here are a few of those reasons:
It sounds good! Nothing sounds better (especially when it's true) than, "I just got home from the gym" or "I just pulled up at the gym" or "I'm getting ready to go to the gym." Adding urgency to these statements (with intentional voice fluctuation) is also impressive to those who are parked, on the couch. Asking, "Can I call you back later?" added to any of the above quotes really does have the couch potato you're speaking to, question themselves; their laziness, their health status, their level of fitness, their pending cellulite and their lack of initiative. "I'm getting ready to go to the gym, can I call you back later?" Do you detect the sense of urgency? It speaks volumes, doesn't it? (voice fluctuation is key)
Improved sex life! The older you get, the better shape you'd better be in if you plan on having marathon sex, like you did in your 20's and early 30's. Working out at the gym will provide flexibility, drive (endorphins) and stamina. These are the answers to marathon sex. Well, that and a light meal. When you enter your 40's, you can't take on a heavy meal and have 'dessert' like you used to. The rules of sex after a meal are much like the rules of swimming after a meal, there should be a minimum of a 20 minute wait before 'swimming.' Cramps and gas are not sexy. Why put you or your 'swim partner' through it? Trying to ignore or defend natural body functions when you're having sex too soon after a heavy meal is just... well, it's just not worth it. Do yourself, and your 'swim partner' a favor, and wait the 20 minutes, MINIMUM!
To look good naked! (for yourself and your significant other) There are many levels of nakedness when a woman gets older.
"Only After 9pm Naked", this naked woman wants no part of being naked in the daylight hours and will only shed her clothes after dark.
"Night Light or Candle Light Naked", this woman is only a fraction more secure than 'Only After 9pm Naked', as she will shed clothes in the dim light of a night light or candle night. No, not both. One or the other. The night light must have the lowest watt of bulb and if it's candle light you chose, then make sure it's been purchased from your local dollar store, instead of a store more reputable of true candle burning, like Yankee Candles. She wants the candle so dim, you'll question if it's even lit at all.
"Hall Light or Closet Light Naked", this naked woman is letting you know that a night light or candle light aren't enough light and that true daylight or the actual bedroom light are too much light. The 'hall light or closet light' are just right.
"Daylight or Bedroom Light Naked", this woman is far more comfortable and confident than the previous 'naked' women you've just read about. This is not to say she even has a flawless body, comfortable and confident doesn't necessarily mean flawless. Men really seem to like this 'naked' woman.
Lastly, there's the "Put Your Clothes On Naked." This naked woman would rather be naked than be clothed. You'll find yourself asking her often, "Are you going to put some clothes on?" Even insisting, "Will you please put some clothes on!" Regardless of your level of 'naked', everyone wants to look good, or at least better, naked. At least that's what I've heard.
To see what the shorts are saying nowadays! You know the shorts. You should be 95lbs-130lbs to wear them and ages 13-19 to own them. 'CHEER' across the backside is the most popular. I've seen a few others, 'JUICY' and 'CUTE' , just to name a couple. Last week, a pair of 'CHEER' shorts entered the gym, their owner was NOT in her teens. I would say she was in her late 40's, and walked with such confidence; really owning her 'CHEER' shorts. What message is she trying to convey? Should we 'CHEER' her on for her youthful, foolish style? Should we 'CHEER' for the fact that she sqwoze into these shorts that did actually fit her, but did not look good on her? (no, sqwoze is not a word, but squeeze wasn't comical enough- work with me here) I just think that if you're of such an age, or even a weight, that may not be 'CHEER' shorts friendly, that you should have fun with it! If you're going to have a message stamped, so proudly, on your ass for all to see... at least make it interesting. Do what I did, get some fabric paints and doodle on your ass. This technique works best if your gym shorts/pants are not on your body. Some suggestions that you may find as fun as I have are... FULL MOON... ASSTASTIC... GOT CHAIR... CHAIR ASS... BOUNCE HOUSE... THE END... CHEER IS FOR LAUNDRY... WIDE LOAD... I'M POOPED... ASS MAY APPEAR LARGER ON TREADMILL... SPANX ME... DEFYING GRAVITY... CAKES & PIES... CHEEKS WITH DIMPLES... HOUR GLASS (but X out the 'GL' in GLASS).
or, put two hand prints back there, one on each cheek. just make sure the hands are proportional to the size of your ass, or you're going to look stupid.
The list goes on and on! The one 'ass message' that will be sure to get attention is a lengthy message that will take a steady hand and decent, small/tiny/microscopic print, reading: IF YOU CAN READ THIS, YOU ARE TOO CLOSE TO ME AND WAY TOO CLOSE TO MY ASS. MY INNER THIRD GRADER THINKS YOU SHOULD TAKE A PICTURE 'CAUSE IT'LL LAST LONGER. MY INNER ROSEANNE BARR WANTS TO REMIND YOU TO USE THE WIDE ANGLE LENS. BUT WHAT YOU REALLY NEED TO DO, IS BACK THE HELL UP BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE THROAT. HAVE A BLESSED DAY.