119 DAYS

Happy Labor Day, kids!
I'm a migraine girl, and with that, the silliest things can trigger a headache.  That headache, if not treated in a timely manner, can take me out... quickly!!!  Unfortunately, even when treated in a timely manner, the wrath still relentlessly persists.  I typically know the triggers: periods (not every month, but enough to be aggravated by them), floral scented perfumes, air fresheners and such, spending too much time in bright sunlight and the improper set-up of my pillow.  Yes, my pillow.  If my pillow isn't folded in half, lengthwise and on the 'right' side up (yes, there's a 'wrong' side up)... it will lead to horrible headaches.  Usually, as soon as I lay down, I know!  Last night, it wasn't folded correctly, so I adjusted it and fell asleep.  At one point through the night it must have come unfolded, because the headache that woke me was not good.  However, I wouldn't adjust it.  It would've taken all but a few seconds to raise my hands, adjust the pillow and return to my ZZZZzzzzz's.  Instead, I (throughout the night) kept trying to reposition my head and neck.  It's like when you have to pee at 3am.  Your body is telling you that you have to pee, but you don't want to be bothered to get up, so instead, you try to trick your body by changing your position.  Which only works for 8-10 minutes anyway; if you're lucky!  I was trying to change my position.  I failed myself miserably, because when I got up this morning, I had the worst headache.  Not a great start to my day, but all my doing, just the same.
A decent day, with somewhat of a decent menu and some leg work (with ankle weights) to boot!  Breakfast (9am) was a golf ball size potato, chopped and cooked in a splash of canola oil and water to just cover the bottom of the skillet.  (water being added from time to time, so not to scorch)  Two scrambled eggs and 4 Advil Liquigels I chased down with a half glass of Pepsi.  Believe me.... I WaNtEd MORE Pepsi.... my head was rockin'!  I had water instead (which is no biggie, I like water).  Throbbing headache was gone 30 minutes later.  Lunch (3pm) was 1/2 serving of leftover baked chicken breast, 1 1/2 c steamed carrots, 1 sm granny smith apple and a Breyers All Fruit Bar.  Only to eat again at 4:30pm, when I had a bowl of Special K Blueberry Cereal.  Enjoyed dinner at 7:30pm.  Not too hungry... had a couple of bites of baked chicken breast, some green beans and some instant mashed potatoes.  (I was visiting friends, and that's what they served)  They also, very successfully, guilted me into a piece of cake!  Truth be told, it was kinda dry... but my reasoning to indulge in the first place... it was Labor Day!  I could've indulged, I mean really indulged, but I didn't!
It was a decent day of food choices.  I'd give myself a B-... Like I said, I could have really indulged!!!
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.....
No doubt, I'll sleep better tonight!!!

120 DAYS

Hello September!
2012!!!
September 2012
Hummm?
I remember growing up and always being told, "You just wait, time flys by when you're older!"  "The older you are, the faster it goes!"  "You wake up one day and wonder where did all those years go, where did the time go?"  It also seemed, the older the person was, the more they would share these statements.  You certainly don't hear this from a 25 year old!  Not a 30 year old!  Although, you will hear it from them if they have children.  They measure the days gone by, by how 'big' their child is now.
I'm not as old as some and certainly not as young as others.  However, I am a firm believer of "Age is just a number."  It's not your age that defines who you are, it's how you're living your life that defines who you are.  How I live my life and how you live your life may not be the same.  Although if you feel love (by either being loved or having loved), if you feel a sense of joy, a sense of purpose, a sense of fulfillment and maybe even a sense of self... I would have to say you're on your way.  Maybe even those few things aren't on your agenda.  Maybe they're not objectives of yours; that's okay too.  I have several objectives as I live my life.... and believe me, there's not enough blog space.  My list of lifes' objectives gets longer as I get older.
As I open up Fall storage containers and admire clothes I know I was going to fit into this season (yeah, they don't flippin' fit, but they look cute on hangers)... As I stumble into September, knowing I do more for others than for myself (yeah, why did God make me so damn kind and selfless)....  As I come to the realization that after three years of not having a full time job, I start one in less than a week (I've waited a long time for the best fit, this is a GREAT fit)... As I'm acknowledging that 43 is a mere four months away...FORTY-THREE..... I may look like my Mom, but I do not look 43.  I'm not even sure what 43 looks like, I just know when people find out how old I am, they think I'm 28-36.  Hot damn!!!  I'll take it!  Yes, age is just a number... but, when you have others thinking your number is LoWeR than what it really is, then HOORAY!!!  No, these aren't drunk people, or people who owe me money, or people who are trying to get me into bed... these are sober, truth telling, 20/20 seeing people!!!  I'm pretty sure the day I'll look 43, is the day I turn 56!  I can hear it now, "You're 56??? You don't look a day over 43!!!" (i've been practicing my 'Thank You face' for this)
So, the moral of my story today... everything is finally falling into place.  After several years of trial and error with jobs, poor choices of friends, overall lessons learned and stress weighing me down- one pound at a time... I say.... NOW, let's move forward!!!  Financially things are improving!  Now it's time to improve physically!  I am sometimes hindered by psoriatic arthritis, but it's my reality, not my excuse.  I do allow stress to dictate my menu; not everyday, but more than it should!  I do know how to eat right, I do know how to exercise... but, don't we all?  It's safe to say, I'm not consistent!  Well, except for the last three years, I've been a Consistent Hot Mess!
So, for the next 4 months, I shall channel consistency!
The goal: to lose 75 lbs.
16 weeks.... Hell, I just looked it up.... Make that 17 weeks!
I turn 43 on Dec 31, which is a Monday. 
Sunday Sept 2-Sun Dec 30 is 17 weeks!
120 days...................... Bye Bye Pepsi- I will miss you!!!

Hello Month Three of 2011

Work.... Grateful!
Schedule.... Demanding!
Family..... Missed!
Relationship...... Challenged!
Balances.......... Unpaid!
Friends............... Appreciated!
Stress........ Up!
Psoriasis......... Annoying!
Weight................ Down!
Gym......... Random!
Optimistic............... Always!
Sense of Self......... Improving!
Blogging........................Priceless!!!

March has only been here 9hrs (est) and I still have to look at both my phone and my computer to believe it's here at all! I'm not sure where January and February dissolved to, but no doubt, they are gone. I am welcoming March with open arms.
Inches are still gone and weight is still down. 216 is nothing to brag about. However, it's not 246 and... it is a process. Pepsi is still a must have, because me headaches/migraines dictate that it is. The good news: the Pepsi intake is decreasing!
The top was (and is) decreasing in size; I'm happy to report that the bottom half is finally starting to catch up! FINALLY!!! "Triangular" was not a good look for me!
This was just a little something to play catch-up by.
Looking forward to having more time next time.
What I've also been noticing.... which I knew all along...... Fat friends don't like fat friends losing weight. So, to that, I also should have posted:

Fat Friends....................... Cranky!
(yes, I chose 'cranky'. other words that came to mind were not lady-like)

Have a great third month of 2011......................... and don't be Cranky!

A Loss of Pounds with a Side Order of Lost Inches Please!

Eleven days into our New Year, and as Dr Phil would ask, "How's that workin' for ya?"
The to-do list is in my head, but the execution has been a struggle. However, because I know the outcome will be a positive one, I persevere. As blogged previously, I am a work in process. And what a process it is!
Scale is lower, but still reading a very "Biggest Loser" number of 224.8.
Clothes are fitting differently. Someone said, "You're losing inches right now, not pounds." And though I appreciate the insight, and I appreciate that the clothes are fitting differently and loosely... I want to see a loss of pounds WITH my 'loss of inches.' Yes, that's what I would like to order.... "A loss of pounds with a side order of lost inches please!"
I'm still trying to figure out where to 'order' some anti-gravity! Gravity is just evil! Nature's way of reminding you that you're no longer in your twenties, or even your thirties. What I am learning though... no matter what your age.... working out is essential. Essential for the body and the mind. What I am also learning too, is that you can't remedy and restore a body you let go to Hell, overnight. My current body was not an overnight train wreck. So, I need to remind myself daily, that conditioning it, restoring it, working it to its maximum potential, will also not happen overnight.
I often think of what God would say to me when we met. Would He say, "Look at you, you're a Hot Mess. I give this body to you, and this is how you treat it!" Or would She say, "I don't think you look all that bad, besides, I gave you a beautiful face!"
I gave a friend two different size frying pans for Christmas. But, then I found myself putting a disclosure on them by saying, "Wash them by hand, they'll go bad in the dishwasher." That's like me giving my son a new bottle of cologne, but then telling him, "Only spray it once or twice, or you're just wasting it." Never happened..... but still, who am I to 'disclose' anything? If I were to give him cologne, I probably would say that. Well, he is twenty-two now, so maybe not. The frying pan recipient is thirty-six. So....... Whatever....... Okay, maybe I have 'disclosure' issues. I'd rather just call it a Barbara-ism! (you'll need to read previous blogs for that one, people)
Life's lessons are our own disclosures. The choices we make, and the lessons we both grow from and learn from, allow us to evolve into the person we are truly to be. And if you can't laugh along the way, then you're not really enjoying the ride. If you can't make light of things that are dark, or you can't see that the glass is really half full, then you've not learned any lessons...... yet. But, maybe in time... in time you will.
I joke with my God being a He or a She, but whether a He or a She, I know that when we meet, God will be able to say, "I'm so glad you figured it all out, but what took you so long?"

1 Down, 364 More To Go!

Hello 2011!
I am so happy to see you!
Grocery trip today was a good one. The only flaw was that I did spend over my $25 week budget. ($25 for food; not dog food, paper towels, deodorant, etc) And, I had no coupons to use. I primarily shopped the perimeter (which coupons are seldom valid) and did buy several sale items.
MEAT: (on sale) Sirloin Tip Roast, (on sale) 4ct Tilapia Fillets, (bogo) Gourmet Chicken Sausage-Sweet Italian Flavor. PRODUCE: fresh strawberries & portabella mushrooms. GROCERY:(bogo) Starkist Albacore Tuna, 1 can (store brand)Cream of Mushroom Soup, Success Brown Rice & (store brand) Instant Onion Soup Mix. I did buy 2 other items, but have since reconsidered. In my moment of weakness, I bought the last bag of peanut M&Ms (reduced from Christmas) and a very small box of sugar, shortbread cookies (also reduced from Christmas). I will be returning both tomorrow. It's way too early in the game to be so weak. Though I thought I could pace myself with them, i think we know differently since the Bugles confession. (please see previous blog for details)
Less the returns, $31.50 spent. Oops... I forgot to buy milk, bananas and egg whites! Darn it, back up to $35.
I have great, (somewhat) healthy staples already.... my SMALL pantry contains: 5 boxes of Raisin Bran Crunch, 4 boxes of Rosemary & Olive Oil Triscuits, a few cans of Campbells Chicken Noodle Soup (tis cold & flu season), Jif Creamy Peanut Butter, a few Dole Fruit Gels, Toufayan Bagel Thins, Pompeian Extra Virgin Olive Oil, Emerald Dry Roasted Almonds, Sunsweet Ones (prunes), Aunt Nellie's Pickled Beets and Toufayan Wheat Pitettes. Some clementines, fresh carrots, fresh blueberries, fresh sweet potatoes and frozen veggies. And yes, 'in case of emergency' Pepsi and flavored organic teas (for good measure).
It will be a great week! A productive week!
You're probably asking, "Are you going to list EVERYTHING you buy?" I'm not sure yet. But, my goals are set and LATER when the pounds are no longer attached, and you ask, "How did you do it?" This portion of the answer will have already been shared.
The gym? Lesson learned. I should have gone this morning, when I was trying to catch up on my sleep. However, I will power nap over the next hour and decide then. It's 7:45pm... I think the power nap will rejuvenate. Goodnight for now.... I'll catch up AfTeR and confess it all!

Two Full Plates, One Zipper Down and a Partridge in a Pear Tree!

On my Christmas Wish List this year: DISCIPLINE!
Dear Santa,
Please bring me discipline! I'll take it in a pill form, a nasty tasting beverage, intravenously or even as a suppository! I NEED discipline! I also need to be friends with people who suck at cooking and who suck even more at baking! I need to attend holiday gatherings where there was a kitchen fire and all that's being served, is burnt to a crisp! Where's the friend who bakes and confuses salt for sugar? I am friends with none of these people. Damn it!
Thank you for the invites and for encouraging me to have another serving at your yummy parties. Where everyone attending is doing the same thing.... eating, drinking and being merry!!! I'm unsure how many were doing what I was doing; hiding my unzipped pants under my lengthy, cozy turtleneck!
Tis the season to be challenged by the Holiday 7! It's said that the average American gains 7 lbs from November through the New Year; 7 lbs overall, not each month. Or each week, for that matter. So far, I've gained 1. ONE POUND! The good news? My bathroom time this season is reminding me that I am eating better. If you indulge in holiday goodies after spending months eating a much improved diet, you will be spending more time in the bathroom; with your body wondering, "What the hell did you feed me? What did I ever do to you?"
I'm due to start my period the 23rd. I'm confident to share that the Holiday 7 will be exceeded this week! Okay, maybe not. More water, less PMS cravings! There was a time that I would gain anywhere from 5-12 lbs the week of my period. But, maintaining a more disciplined diet that week specifically, has reduced the weight gain (which always vanished after the period anyway) to only about 3 lbs. And the horrid migraines I used to have monthly, are no longer monthly at all. Practically quarterly, maybe less!
This Holiday 7, is this the same for both men and women? Just seems like women would gain more than 7, at least 10! Typically, the women are the ones in the kitchen, taste-testing as they go. In general, women have little to no will power. Women also have more cravings than men, and more often than men. Men crave sex! Well, a meal that includes a piece of meat that Fred Flinstone would enjoy, and then sex! If women would crave sex more, and would satisfy that craving like she does a can of pringles.... craving: SATISFIED and potential weight issue: SOLVED!!!

Does your Gym sell Buttered Popcorn?

Okay... so I have no idea which is more challenging? A healthy grocery list on a $25.00 a week budget or getting to the gym on a regular basis? I try to make a game out of both! My favorite game growing up: Hide and Seek!
I love the gym! I love the feeling when I walk into the gym! I love all that I accomplish when I'm at the gym! I feel a little firmer when I leave the gym! However, I don't 'schedule' time for the gym! I don't make the gym a priority! It's typically an after thought. I do workout hard at the gym... when I go. There was a time that I was going 4, even 5 days a week, but, that was a long time ago! (calm down.... I'm working on it!)
I do tend to feel guilty if I don't go to the gym on a regular basis. Not because I'm depriving my body of a grueling workout in fluorescent lighting, but because I'm paying for it! I have a monthly membership; with a reasonable rate, considering I'm good friends with the girl who used to sleep with the owner (his ex-wife). I just need more discipline and less procrastination! It's a process..... and I am a work in progress! So, I use my hand weights, my body ball and my pilates machine; which are all conveniently located right here at home, for when I do feel consumed with guilt for not working out at the gym.
Some people ask why I have a gym membership when I can use these items at home? Well, I pay next to nothing for the membership, I workout on several more machines at the gym, and it's a chance to meet new people.
Recently, a 'new friend to be' approached me while I was on the elliptical (which I LOVE the elliptical). She said "Wow, you're really in the zone!" She also had this really impressed look on her face. I didn't think I had understood her, so I said, "I'm sorry, what did you say?" She said, "Well, I said 'You're working hard!' But then you didn't hear me, so I thought, 'Wow you're really in the zone!'" Yes, I love the elliptical! Yes, I was sweaty and slightly out of breath! Yes, I was 'in the zone.' I was FOCUSED! How wonderful of her to notice! But.... I was not focused on my 'workout'..... while on the elliptical, I was watching The Food Network and the most amazing recipe for Savory Southern Fried Chicken was on. No, I did not confess that I was focusing on The Food Network! I politely shook my head in agreement that I was "in the zone." And NO, the Food Network channel should NOT be permitted in the gym! The channel that may entice people to work out hard and really, really stay focused at the gym? The Plus Size Porn channel! Is there such a channel... I have no idea! But, I am sure that if such a channel existed, and it was available at the gym, every machine would be filled, pounds would be shed and memberships would be through the roof!!! (background checks included)
Grocery list this week, did not include ingredients to Savory Southern Fried Chicken! What I do know about myself, even with the best of intentions for this process? If it's in the house, I will eat it! Even if I plan to buy something (which I have no business buying) and portion-baggie it out (it sounded reasonable in my head), I need to NOT do it! Poor decision item this week? Bugles! My intentions were to baggie them out and they'd last a while; I wasn't depriving myself of something yummy, salty and crunchy (and cute... Bugles are cute), and they were on sale! Well damn if I didn't eat the bag in two days! Yes, it was a family size bag! Yes, it was good! No, I will not be doing that again!!!
In general, I shop the perimeter. I went down actual aisles this week, one aisle for tuna (solid white) and the other for the Bugles (UUGGHH!) Chicken breast, some fresh produce, eggs, yogurt, tilapia and shrimp. (do I sound thin or what?)
OOPS, shared too soon. Did 'impulse' buy at the checkout. Berry flavored Gummie Life Savers, two bags, $1 each, no guilt to confess to, they're yummy and a couple here and there will keep me from being mean! And... I'm going to need some type of 'concession stand' goodie when I'm on the elliptical, watching The Plus Size Porn channel; my gym doesn't sell buttered popcorn!
Like I said..... work in progress!

Voluptuous Shoulders may be The Real Issue!

It's Wednesday, December 8th, and for almost a week now, I've considered blogging about my love/hate relationship with food, budget, weight gain, weight loss, cellulite, middle age spread, gravity, body image, self worth, confidence, stretch marks, the gym, the compliments, the suggestions, the excuses, the jealousy, the Krispy Kreme 'HOT' sign, walks with inclines (like my driveway and the walk to the mailbox), photographs representing who I was then... who I am now... and how much I've turned into my Mother. Through my 41st year, I would like to encounter a true sense of self. Well, a sense of self and a closet full of size 8's. Loose fitting 8's! EIGHT's! ATEs!
You may be wondering why an 8? Well, because I know with an improved diet and daily workouts; whether at the gym or just walking my driveway to get the mail, I know it's feasible. I just need to work in 3D; channeling Dedication, Discipline and Determination! I also know what I weigh, what I feel like and what I look like when I wear a size 8. Besides, I don't want my size to be in double digits.... well, except my bra size!
Did I mention I'm 5'2 1/2"? Yes people, almost 5'3"!!! I weigh more than most 6' athletes! I'd like to say it's all muscle, but, I think the numbers speak for themselves! My highest... 246lbs. My current... 226lbs. My goals... A size 8 (approx 125lbs) and A true sense of self (priceless)!
What you'll find through my daily journaling, rather blogging, is that I'm painfully honest. I'm so honest, you may ask that I start lying! What got me thinking about blogging on this specific subject is, The Biggest Loser. The Biggest Loser is taking applications for their next season. Though for a very brief second I considered applying to be on the show; I then thought of all the job applications I've submitted over the last year (since my job was eliminated in Jan of 2009 because of budget cuts), and the thought of being rejected AGAIN didn't interest me. Besides, I know how to lose the weight, I just don't work in 3D all the time. Maybe there should be a 4th D: Daily!
I'd have too many stipulations for The Biggest Loser. I wouldn't permit cameras to air me working out without a bandana on my head... thanks to a 1999 diagnosed hormonal disorder, my hair is quite THIN on top. Sure, the word 'thin' may come to mind when watching The Biggest Loser, but it shouldn't reference my sparse scalp. Also, I wouldn't want the viewers to be concerned for my raw, tomato-red face; believe me, someone will want to dial a hotline! I have rosacea, and when I work out hard, my face looks like someone left it under a broiler a little too long. OUCH for the viewers' eyes and OUCH for my face... it actually stings a little, too! The rosacea diagnosis was a 40th birthday present; didn't really care for that present, but unfortunately, it wasn't returnable. Lastly, I have psoriasis. My psoriasis was diagnosed in my early 30s. Though the psoriasis can be unsightly on the elbows (I could care less about that); it's under the nails. Having no medical insurance, I no longer take Enbrel. So, for now, the nails are no longer attached. For those that are still attached, they need to be kept super short; not to catch on anything, and painted with dark polish; to not make your belly queasy. (should be back on Enbrel within the month)
Why too much information? Here comes the honesty... being an obese contestant on The Biggest Loser wouldn't bother me.... being the obese contestant, with no hair, a raw red face and nail-less fingers... well, that would have me screaming for Dr. Phil and a bartender!
So, I chose to take this journey to improved health, weight loss and an overall better sense of self, via blogging! To vent, to be honest and to be held accountable; not only to those reading, but to myself!
Why start on a Wednesday? No sense in waiting for Monday! No sense in waiting for 2011! Besides, with the few lbs I've already lost, I got a very nice, but disturbing compliment today. "Are you losing weight, your shoulders look smaller?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Did I have husky shoulders! Can we agree to maybe call them voluptuous shoulders? That (assumingly) heartfelt compliment, is why I decided to start the blog of honesty today! Maybe someone reading this blog, also has (unknowingly) voluptuous shoulders? This blog may inspire that person to acknowledge their plus size shoulder issue? Who in the world, compliments shoulder weight loss? One body part at a time, I guess!
Without the humiliation of failure, there is no greater incentive for success!