Inches VS Pounds?!?
The true objective is overall improved health. Though I've decreased in inches, the pounds are hanging on with all their might. They are relentless. However, being almost 42, I know age does play a factor. My age is not an excuse, it is my reality. The psoriatic arthritis can also hinder, which is also my reality. The results are showing, but they are taking their sweet time with their arrival.
Age...... Don't even get me started!
I'm not bothered by my age at all. I'm not spending dollars right and left trying to defy the aging process. Botox doesn't interest me in the least. I am a fan of hair color. I often ask myself, am I more grateful for hair color or make up? Always a tie, as I love them both! I think a decent moisturizer does wonders for the face and complexion; that's about all I invest in, besides true make up. I'm not a fan of my surplus neck, but what woman is? I've not met her yet.
Plastic surgery... To each their own! If you have the money, the insurance, the time, the faith and a good doctor.... then order up! Personally, I'm happy with what God has given me to work with. That's exactly what I'm doing too, working with it. I'm a firm believer that if you're not happy, it's your fault. So, with that, I myself have been striving to improve.... not because I'm not happy, but because I would like to be the best version of myself. Life is too short for that to be optional.
No matter what the age, some advice I could offer:
Don't get fat.... It's not good for your joints, your organs and your overall health. It's not good for your self esteem, your self worth or your confidence.
Don't stay from the gym too long...... Make new friends, challenge yourself with new machines or classes, enjoy the YOU time while you're there.... No children, No spouse (typically), No demands... Just YOU taking care of YOU! (no need to complain about membership prices. add up what you spend in a month for dining out (breakfast, lunch & dinner) and your gym membership will likely be less than your dining out total)
Shop the perimeter at the grocery store..... Read the labels before you buy...... Know what you're putting on your plate and putting in your body!
Spend more time in the Produce department.....Try something new! and Don't fry it!
Drink more water.... Add lemon or other fresh fruit!
Eat a donut..... Do not eat a dozen donuts!
Drive past the Drive Thru's!
A friend asked yesterday, what I was doing. She could tell I had lost some weight. When I told her I was eating better than ever and in the gym at least 4 times a week, I think she was disappointed it wasn't a magic pill or shake doing the 'work'. I've been doing the' work'. And yes, there are some days I do take time off 'work', but overall, I'm happy with the progress.
We're all a work in progress, in one way or another.
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight. Show all posts
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
PMS Pepsi Motivates Shannon
August.... Done! September...... Outta Here! October..... Almost 5 days in........ Welcome! Welcome October!
I love Fall! Love it! The slight drop in temperature is more than welcome. The air is crisp! The leaves are changing! Football, Chili-Cook-Offs, Craft Fairs and Fall Festivals. Then there's the really FUN stuff.... Hayrides, Corn Mazes and Everything Pumpkin!!! Pumpkin, a true Fall staple; whether carving it, bedazzling it, drawing faces on it or cooking with it; we'll see it and more than likely be tasting it, for the next three months. Yummmmmmm!
Time to spend more time outside. A favorite mantra of mine, "Step outside and take in the view." Of course, this time of year, you should grab a sweater first. Stepping outside is easier said than done. Hectic schedules, demands of children, spouses, career.... etc........ Before you know it, October is November. Much like my August and September.... GONE!!!
Here's hoping that October doesn't pass us too quickly. May your October be a memorable one.
I spent some quality time in the gym in August and throughout September, not only for weight loss benefits, but for true conditioning. Humira is a Godsend for my Psoriatic Arthritis, but, keeping the body moving is just as essential. October will be no different. It can be discouraging to see loss in inches, but not pounds. The inches are definitely decreasing, but the pounds have found themselves a home and are reluctant to pack up and move out. I've even presented an eviction notice, but my certified delivery has been returned to sender! Damn freeloaders!!!
Menu, also a work in progress, is also improving. I stumble upon new favorites from time to time; Sabra Hummus, Stacey's Chips, fresh red grapefruit and a delicious mexican soup recipe with chicken breast, brown rice, red onion, avocado, cilantro and lime. Then I find myself returning to old favorites and sometimes old habits; Chobani Greek Yogurt, Tilapia, Laughing Cow Cheese and PEPSI! I still love Pepsi! I love my water too... with lemon. But, I LOVE Pepsi. I love the way it talks to me when it hits the ice and when it tickles my face from the carbonation. It just makes me happy! Although, I'm happy to report that my Pepsi intake has decreased substantially. Except that dreaded PMS week...... because Pepsi Motivates Shannon. There's a PMS for you!!! And ironically, that week is this week. I find myself feeling bloated and blah! (and no, i haven't guzzled the Pepsi like i've wanted to, i had ONE today) Weight: a very robust and assy 224. Assy, as that's where the weight is parked. Note: not in neutral, but parked!!! I can gain anywhere from 3lbs to 12lbs the week of my period. So far, I'm up 8! EIGHT!!! Feels like EIGHTY!!!!!! However, inches are still absent!!! So, another favorite mantra to share, "It's all good!" (and getting better)
I love Fall! Love it! The slight drop in temperature is more than welcome. The air is crisp! The leaves are changing! Football, Chili-Cook-Offs, Craft Fairs and Fall Festivals. Then there's the really FUN stuff.... Hayrides, Corn Mazes and Everything Pumpkin!!! Pumpkin, a true Fall staple; whether carving it, bedazzling it, drawing faces on it or cooking with it; we'll see it and more than likely be tasting it, for the next three months. Yummmmmmm!
Time to spend more time outside. A favorite mantra of mine, "Step outside and take in the view." Of course, this time of year, you should grab a sweater first. Stepping outside is easier said than done. Hectic schedules, demands of children, spouses, career.... etc........ Before you know it, October is November. Much like my August and September.... GONE!!!
Here's hoping that October doesn't pass us too quickly. May your October be a memorable one.
I spent some quality time in the gym in August and throughout September, not only for weight loss benefits, but for true conditioning. Humira is a Godsend for my Psoriatic Arthritis, but, keeping the body moving is just as essential. October will be no different. It can be discouraging to see loss in inches, but not pounds. The inches are definitely decreasing, but the pounds have found themselves a home and are reluctant to pack up and move out. I've even presented an eviction notice, but my certified delivery has been returned to sender! Damn freeloaders!!!
Menu, also a work in progress, is also improving. I stumble upon new favorites from time to time; Sabra Hummus, Stacey's Chips, fresh red grapefruit and a delicious mexican soup recipe with chicken breast, brown rice, red onion, avocado, cilantro and lime. Then I find myself returning to old favorites and sometimes old habits; Chobani Greek Yogurt, Tilapia, Laughing Cow Cheese and PEPSI! I still love Pepsi! I love my water too... with lemon. But, I LOVE Pepsi. I love the way it talks to me when it hits the ice and when it tickles my face from the carbonation. It just makes me happy! Although, I'm happy to report that my Pepsi intake has decreased substantially. Except that dreaded PMS week...... because Pepsi Motivates Shannon. There's a PMS for you!!! And ironically, that week is this week. I find myself feeling bloated and blah! (and no, i haven't guzzled the Pepsi like i've wanted to, i had ONE today) Weight: a very robust and assy 224. Assy, as that's where the weight is parked. Note: not in neutral, but parked!!! I can gain anywhere from 3lbs to 12lbs the week of my period. So far, I'm up 8! EIGHT!!! Feels like EIGHTY!!!!!! However, inches are still absent!!! So, another favorite mantra to share, "It's all good!" (and getting better)
Monday, August 1, 2011
Peripheral Vision, not Just for Perverts!
And...... I'm already a day late.
Hello August! Glad to see you, but I'm trying to get to October. No offense August, but you're hot and sticky; these are qualities I seek in a fresh baked pastry, not in my day to day living! Sorry August, but I am patiently waiting for October. It is just too damn HOT! The upside, August is the month to get kids out of the mall, out of our supermarkets, out of the movie theaters, off their handheld devices and back to school!!!
My son is twenty-three and no longer in school, but because I don't want to be the only Mother not raising her glass celebrating returning to the classroom, I plan on attending numerous Happy Hours throughout the month of August! Mothers Unite!!!
The upside of October? Cooler weather and Oktoberfest!!! I'm not an alcoholic, I just play one while blogging! Please...... I don't drink. I'm topless sober. No need to booze me up. I'd be the naked one in the corner, talking to people who really aren't there; attractive people of course.
(i hallucinate when i drink... and yes, that is the truth!)
As far as 'naked in the corner', my gym's scale is in the corner. Maybe they feel it offers a sense of privacy, for those who have the occasional 'is this flippin' scale broken' meltdown. I do gently step on three different times, then of course go with the lower of the three results shown. Sadly, very rarely does it vary. Whether I place left foot first, right foot first..... turn myself about..... The damn scale reads the same all three times.
I would love to weigh naked in the corner; I feel like I've gained at least 6 lbs. Besides, don't clothes and shoes weigh, like 15 lbs? Weighing naked would do one of two things for business... Vacate the property as though there was a bomb threat or...... Encourage members to stay longer, push harder and possibly not stare directly at me. It's all about peripheral vision, people! How else are we going to judge strangers and compare ourselves to others? It's all about the gift of peripheral!
I'll weigh in August 2nd! Yes, I'll wear clothes! Yes, I'll report back!
Happy August!!!
Hello August! Glad to see you, but I'm trying to get to October. No offense August, but you're hot and sticky; these are qualities I seek in a fresh baked pastry, not in my day to day living! Sorry August, but I am patiently waiting for October. It is just too damn HOT! The upside, August is the month to get kids out of the mall, out of our supermarkets, out of the movie theaters, off their handheld devices and back to school!!!
My son is twenty-three and no longer in school, but because I don't want to be the only Mother not raising her glass celebrating returning to the classroom, I plan on attending numerous Happy Hours throughout the month of August! Mothers Unite!!!
The upside of October? Cooler weather and Oktoberfest!!! I'm not an alcoholic, I just play one while blogging! Please...... I don't drink. I'm topless sober. No need to booze me up. I'd be the naked one in the corner, talking to people who really aren't there; attractive people of course.
(i hallucinate when i drink... and yes, that is the truth!)
As far as 'naked in the corner', my gym's scale is in the corner. Maybe they feel it offers a sense of privacy, for those who have the occasional 'is this flippin' scale broken' meltdown. I do gently step on three different times, then of course go with the lower of the three results shown. Sadly, very rarely does it vary. Whether I place left foot first, right foot first..... turn myself about..... The damn scale reads the same all three times.
I would love to weigh naked in the corner; I feel like I've gained at least 6 lbs. Besides, don't clothes and shoes weigh, like 15 lbs? Weighing naked would do one of two things for business... Vacate the property as though there was a bomb threat or...... Encourage members to stay longer, push harder and possibly not stare directly at me. It's all about peripheral vision, people! How else are we going to judge strangers and compare ourselves to others? It's all about the gift of peripheral!
I'll weigh in August 2nd! Yes, I'll wear clothes! Yes, I'll report back!
Happy August!!!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
The Flat-Chested Triangle, a shape not yet sung about on Sesame Street!
So yes, I weighed in on the 21st of January. The scale made its way to 219.4.
However, here I am in the middle of a heavy period and I feel as though I weigh 246 once again. What a roller coaster! It's said that women are more moody and more emotional creatures then men... Gee, I wonder why?
Is it disrespectful that I'm wondering if my God isn't an overweight woman? I say this because, what I do know is that, at least among women, fat friends don't like their fat friends to lose weight! Sure, they smile and offer well wishes on the outside... if their Mothers' raised them right. But, on the inside, they're sitting in a Krispy Kreme having a major meltdown.
My weight is gradually coming down; the inches too, are also coming off. Inches off my bra size! This is NOT where I need the inches to come off! I do think my God is a fluffy female, because if I do put a few pounds back on, like this week for example, the inches don't return to the boobage. The inches always seem to find a new place to call home, on my ass. I look like a flat-chested, wide-load triangle. Just not as pointy. Only a fluffy female would do that to another fluffy female. If my God were a man, it would surely be the other way around. Most men like a bigger top and a smaller bottom. The best thing about my God? My God allowing me to have such a peculiar, borderline controversial, sense of humor.
I will make my God proud on Monday, January 31st, when my flat-chested, triangular body gets on the scale. Through this glorious period, may the three digits read 219 or less!!!
However, here I am in the middle of a heavy period and I feel as though I weigh 246 once again. What a roller coaster! It's said that women are more moody and more emotional creatures then men... Gee, I wonder why?
Is it disrespectful that I'm wondering if my God isn't an overweight woman? I say this because, what I do know is that, at least among women, fat friends don't like their fat friends to lose weight! Sure, they smile and offer well wishes on the outside... if their Mothers' raised them right. But, on the inside, they're sitting in a Krispy Kreme having a major meltdown.
My weight is gradually coming down; the inches too, are also coming off. Inches off my bra size! This is NOT where I need the inches to come off! I do think my God is a fluffy female, because if I do put a few pounds back on, like this week for example, the inches don't return to the boobage. The inches always seem to find a new place to call home, on my ass. I look like a flat-chested, wide-load triangle. Just not as pointy. Only a fluffy female would do that to another fluffy female. If my God were a man, it would surely be the other way around. Most men like a bigger top and a smaller bottom. The best thing about my God? My God allowing me to have such a peculiar, borderline controversial, sense of humor.
I will make my God proud on Monday, January 31st, when my flat-chested, triangular body gets on the scale. Through this glorious period, may the three digits read 219 or less!!!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Shannon VS Rocky
Snowed in for several days (atlanta) and i'm not going to say I didn't work out, but I am going to say, I didn't miss a meal... or a snack!
Being snowed in, well, this involves a different kind of workout... a very relaxed, i'll get-to-it-tomorrow type of workout. Hell, I didn't shower until day four, people!
A decent workout promotes a shower, and I wasn't going to let that happen!
A nice hot shower is great, but then it's cold when you step out, you have to blow dry your hair before you freeze to death with a wet head, then you have to get dressed... and assuming you'd be wearing a different/clean outfit, now you're just promoting more laundry to do. Honestly, who wants that?
Two rules of snow days: just keep adding deodorant & don't eat the kitchen!
Guilt and some body odor set in today, so I worked out and showered!
My meals weren't necessarily 'bad', they were just excessive and 'non-portioned.' A successful meal is not only on the healthier side, but smartly portioned. One of my 'no-no' meals was egg salad. Why it was a 'no-no' meal was because I apparently wanted a 'snack' as I was watching the Biggest Loser, Tuesday night.... I ate all the egg salad I had made!!! Out of the bowl! Yes, with fork, not my fingers! No bread needed! (I didn't think I needed the extra carbs) Don't laugh, but I was thinking about Rocky Balboa, as I was watching the Biggest Loser, and eating my six-egg salad... out of the bowl... with a fork. Like when Rocky ate his eggs.... well, drank his eggs, his raw eggs, from a glass.... almost the same thing..... I too, like Rocky, was wearing my sweats! However, unlike Rocky Balboa, I wasn't going on a 4am run, and had a remote control in my hand. In that moment, i felt like a winner! I ate that six-egg salad out of a bowl, with a fork, like a champion!!! I'm pretty sure I would have made Mr. Balboa nervous!
That was the only BAD BAD BAD naughty, 'no-no' moment to confess to.
I did drink lots of water, had some oranges, bananas, Fiber One blueberry muffins, fish, chicken breast, lots of broccoli, sweet potato, some veggies and pasta too. Enjoyed some Triscuits and yummy rosemary focaccia sticks by New York Style and yes, one Pepsi every day! Hey, you snow me in... I'm going to cave! I'm just proud I only had one a day.
Today was the day that I moved and worked out the most.
The ice and snow are gradually melting, so tomorrow will be a better day.
I will challenge myself this week, and we'll see what the scale says on Friday the 21st. I'd weigh myself now, but the six-egg salad thinks it's too soon! And I agree!
Being snowed in, well, this involves a different kind of workout... a very relaxed, i'll get-to-it-tomorrow type of workout. Hell, I didn't shower until day four, people!
A decent workout promotes a shower, and I wasn't going to let that happen!
A nice hot shower is great, but then it's cold when you step out, you have to blow dry your hair before you freeze to death with a wet head, then you have to get dressed... and assuming you'd be wearing a different/clean outfit, now you're just promoting more laundry to do. Honestly, who wants that?
Two rules of snow days: just keep adding deodorant & don't eat the kitchen!
Guilt and some body odor set in today, so I worked out and showered!
My meals weren't necessarily 'bad', they were just excessive and 'non-portioned.' A successful meal is not only on the healthier side, but smartly portioned. One of my 'no-no' meals was egg salad. Why it was a 'no-no' meal was because I apparently wanted a 'snack' as I was watching the Biggest Loser, Tuesday night.... I ate all the egg salad I had made!!! Out of the bowl! Yes, with fork, not my fingers! No bread needed! (I didn't think I needed the extra carbs) Don't laugh, but I was thinking about Rocky Balboa, as I was watching the Biggest Loser, and eating my six-egg salad... out of the bowl... with a fork. Like when Rocky ate his eggs.... well, drank his eggs, his raw eggs, from a glass.... almost the same thing..... I too, like Rocky, was wearing my sweats! However, unlike Rocky Balboa, I wasn't going on a 4am run, and had a remote control in my hand. In that moment, i felt like a winner! I ate that six-egg salad out of a bowl, with a fork, like a champion!!! I'm pretty sure I would have made Mr. Balboa nervous!
That was the only BAD BAD BAD naughty, 'no-no' moment to confess to.
I did drink lots of water, had some oranges, bananas, Fiber One blueberry muffins, fish, chicken breast, lots of broccoli, sweet potato, some veggies and pasta too. Enjoyed some Triscuits and yummy rosemary focaccia sticks by New York Style and yes, one Pepsi every day! Hey, you snow me in... I'm going to cave! I'm just proud I only had one a day.
Today was the day that I moved and worked out the most.
The ice and snow are gradually melting, so tomorrow will be a better day.
I will challenge myself this week, and we'll see what the scale says on Friday the 21st. I'd weigh myself now, but the six-egg salad thinks it's too soon! And I agree!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Good Nap! Good Workout!
Yes!!! I went to the gym!!! I did 20 min on the elliptical and worked out on several different machines; left sweaty... which is always a good thing!
My power nap was quite powerful, almost 2 full hours worth of ZZZzzzzs. I woke refreshed and rejuvenated, just as I thought I would. Four other people must have been feeling 'refreshed' too, as I wasn't the only one there.
Going back for round two tonight. No doubt there will be more than four people there. Weekend guilt fills the gym a little more on Sunday and Monday nights, Monday night being the busier. My guilty pleasure today was a fried chicken breast. Breakfast was a clementine and 1/2 a Zone Bar, lunch was a fried chicken breast and 1/2 cola and dinner was chicken and veggies with pasta. Water throughout the day. I'll have some cottage cheese and blueberries when I get home from the gym. I actually really like cottage cheese! Breakstone's, Large Curd!!! YUM!
Baby steps, kids!!!
Scale at gym read 226.6....... All three times I got on it! It took three times to finally come to terms that the scale was NOT broken! No.... I did not pout, panic or cry. Now... if on January 31st, the scale reads 226.6... I can't promise anything!
My power nap was quite powerful, almost 2 full hours worth of ZZZzzzzs. I woke refreshed and rejuvenated, just as I thought I would. Four other people must have been feeling 'refreshed' too, as I wasn't the only one there.
Going back for round two tonight. No doubt there will be more than four people there. Weekend guilt fills the gym a little more on Sunday and Monday nights, Monday night being the busier. My guilty pleasure today was a fried chicken breast. Breakfast was a clementine and 1/2 a Zone Bar, lunch was a fried chicken breast and 1/2 cola and dinner was chicken and veggies with pasta. Water throughout the day. I'll have some cottage cheese and blueberries when I get home from the gym. I actually really like cottage cheese! Breakstone's, Large Curd!!! YUM!
Baby steps, kids!!!
Scale at gym read 226.6....... All three times I got on it! It took three times to finally come to terms that the scale was NOT broken! No.... I did not pout, panic or cry. Now... if on January 31st, the scale reads 226.6... I can't promise anything!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Extra Credit Points aren't Just for School!
Four days until Christmas, two days until my period... Calgon take me away! Some of you may not understand the Calgon statement; what can I say, YOUTUBE it!
The good news today is that I made my way to the gym, the bad news is that I passed the gym on my way to Dairy Queen! The best news of the day? Double Cheeseburger Meal was on promo for $3.99. I did substitute the fries with onion rings and yes, I loved every single delicious, calorie loaded, grease soaked bite!
My Mother raised a thoughtful woman though, as I passed by the gym, I waved and said, "Hello- I won't be in today." No, really I did.... complete with the cupped-hand, pageant wave. Well, I just figured I'd say the my "Hello" on the way to Dairy Queen because if I were to wave and say my "Hello" after Dairy Queen, my mouth would be full! My MaMa raised a lady, people!
Usually my fastfood choice for period week is McDonalds, but DQ was calling my name today! And it was flippin' delicious!!! No, I will not be in the gym today. Yes, I will be working out at home tonight! The music will be up and sweats will be on (complete with bandana- please see previous post for details)! Memories of my Dairy Queen fieldtrip will get me through my hour workout! And yes, I ordered a Coke! Not a Diet Coke... a Coke! Own your Double Cheeseburger Meal, people!!!
Dear Santa (per previous post), please allow me to revise; I would like Discipline..... and Calgon.... and 12 vouchers for a FREE Double Cheeseburger Meal at Dairy Queen to get me through each 'period week' in 2011!
You know, a few days ago I was behind a man, maybe mid twenties, in line at the grocery store. He was purchasing only two items: tampons and Advil. For whatever reason, he felt the need to share his thoughts, when he looked to me and said, "I don't think you ladies understand how hard it is for us guys to buy these things." Then I shared my thoughts on his 'purchase', by looking at him and saying, "Well, are you buying EXACTLY what she told you to? The least you could do is throw in a few of her favorite candy bars and a Cosmo magazine!" He said, "Really?" I said, "Well, extra credit points aren't just for school, you know! Besides, chocolate makes us happy and if she's reading a magazine she won't be bitching at you!"
Hopefully my couple of suggestions were taken as spontaneous and thoughtful on his part. And he may not know it yet, but in a week or two, he will reap the benefits of being so spontaneous and thoughtful. The Cosmo magazine he purchased was featuring several fascinating must reads: 'Make Him Grin and Bare It Tonight', '69 New Ways to Satisfy Your Man' and 'Clothing Optional Workouts for Couples.'
No doubt he won't mind buying her 'monthly essentials', in the future!
The good news today is that I made my way to the gym, the bad news is that I passed the gym on my way to Dairy Queen! The best news of the day? Double Cheeseburger Meal was on promo for $3.99. I did substitute the fries with onion rings and yes, I loved every single delicious, calorie loaded, grease soaked bite!
My Mother raised a thoughtful woman though, as I passed by the gym, I waved and said, "Hello- I won't be in today." No, really I did.... complete with the cupped-hand, pageant wave. Well, I just figured I'd say the my "Hello" on the way to Dairy Queen because if I were to wave and say my "Hello" after Dairy Queen, my mouth would be full! My MaMa raised a lady, people!
Usually my fastfood choice for period week is McDonalds, but DQ was calling my name today! And it was flippin' delicious!!! No, I will not be in the gym today. Yes, I will be working out at home tonight! The music will be up and sweats will be on (complete with bandana- please see previous post for details)! Memories of my Dairy Queen fieldtrip will get me through my hour workout! And yes, I ordered a Coke! Not a Diet Coke... a Coke! Own your Double Cheeseburger Meal, people!!!
Dear Santa (per previous post), please allow me to revise; I would like Discipline..... and Calgon.... and 12 vouchers for a FREE Double Cheeseburger Meal at Dairy Queen to get me through each 'period week' in 2011!
You know, a few days ago I was behind a man, maybe mid twenties, in line at the grocery store. He was purchasing only two items: tampons and Advil. For whatever reason, he felt the need to share his thoughts, when he looked to me and said, "I don't think you ladies understand how hard it is for us guys to buy these things." Then I shared my thoughts on his 'purchase', by looking at him and saying, "Well, are you buying EXACTLY what she told you to? The least you could do is throw in a few of her favorite candy bars and a Cosmo magazine!" He said, "Really?" I said, "Well, extra credit points aren't just for school, you know! Besides, chocolate makes us happy and if she's reading a magazine she won't be bitching at you!"
Hopefully my couple of suggestions were taken as spontaneous and thoughtful on his part. And he may not know it yet, but in a week or two, he will reap the benefits of being so spontaneous and thoughtful. The Cosmo magazine he purchased was featuring several fascinating must reads: 'Make Him Grin and Bare It Tonight', '69 New Ways to Satisfy Your Man' and 'Clothing Optional Workouts for Couples.'
No doubt he won't mind buying her 'monthly essentials', in the future!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Have You Seen My Bundt Cake?
I'm not sure if what I witnessed recently was a confidence, an obliviousness or simply, denial at its best. Allow to me acknowledge the woman who was standing ahead of me at the concession counter at the movies, who ordered a large popcorn with extra butter. Specifically telling, not really asking, but telling the popcorn 'fetcher' that she wanted the butter on the bottom, in the middle and on the top... and a large diet coke! I was actually hoping a small, but strong, child was around to maybe pick my jaw up off the floor. I certainly couldn't do it myself. I was in shock! I was stunned! I couldn't move! And here's why..... this lovely lover of popcorn with layered butter and large fountain diet drinks, was, let me start off by saying, was old enough to dress herself. She appeared to be mid 20's, white, about 5'7" and if I would have to guess.... based on every episode of the Biggest Loser I have ever seen; which is all of them, and of course my own weight, I would say she weighed anywhere from 280lbs-286lbs. Yes, I gave myself a 6lb curve. I also just typed a very lengthy 'run on' sentence, that would not impress my former English teachers. But, that's one of the perks of blogging! Well, that and the fact I haven't brushed my teeth today! Or gotten dressed!
Anyway, I'm standing by my 280lb guess. I'm really good at guessing people's weight, especially women's weight. I have been almost every size. In my adult life, my body has ventured from an 8 all the way to a very full, but loose, 22. Well, the 20 was way too tight, so although I did 'graduate' to a 22, it should be noted they were LOOSE!!! And I only wore them twice! Then I burned them! Let's face it, the only 20's a woman should ever be in, should last only 10 years.... and that should be her age, not her size.
Okay, back to my twenty-something, robust, popcorn with layered butter lover. She was wearing, hummm... where to start.... I'll start from the ground up. She was wearing black ballerina flats, jeans and a top with cap sleeves. The flats were cute; they're trendy, enough said. Her shoes were not what made me ask a 7 year old boy if he could please hand me my jaw from the floor. The jeans? Well, the jeans were denim, they were very tight, they were something that she would have needed assistance getting into. I find myself wondering if she's wearing a catheter today, because that movie 'snack' is going to hit her bladder at some point. Who will assist her when her bladder is dancing? My concern wouldn't be getting the jeans down necessarily, but getting them back up. I can only pray she has her cell phone with her in case of an emergency! She's going to need a few extra hands to help her pack herself back in there. The jeans were low rise. I guess it's easier to let it all hang out than pack 'everything' in a pair of jeans? I don't even know why they produce low rise jeans for anyone over a size 12 or so... it's just cruel. At least apply some self tanner to the 'overage' you're exposing. Let's talk overage, shall we? I've heard of a muffin top, I comprehend the muffin top... this was more like a bundt cake exploded!!! As they say in Georgia, this was a "hot mess!" Her 'middle' was everywhere! Just hanging out! Saying "hello!" It was layered, much like her popcorn. The upper 'middle' was laying on the middle 'middle' and then the lower 'middle' was what was so desperately packed into her 'cute' jeans! Just a mess! But like any decent train wreck, you couldn't turn away! And I couldn't. I felt so bad that I couldn't turn away. Well, no I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. I really didn't. The cap sleeve top was kind of sheer, which really didn't matter only because her 'middle' was out and about anyway. The good news about the portly arms dangling from the cap sleeve top, is that they would seem to withstand carrying a large popcorn weighed down with excessive butter and a large diet drink. The top was on the short side, or, was it her belly was on the long side? All I know is, I was there to see a movie and I couldn't step away from this hot mess of a plus size preview I was witnessing at the concession counter! I should be ashamed. But, I wasn't. I was impressed! Was this a confidence that I was witnessing? If so, where did such confidence come from? Was this an obliviousness? Maybe she has no idea? Maybe she has no mirrors in her home? But does she not feel the draft across her layered 'middle'? Or is this denial? Maybe this heifer thinks these jeans fit great, cover her, flatter her and look absolutely hot! Maybe? If you know me at all, then you know I do have the balls to ask. However, I left my balls at home that day! I know I wanted to do one of two things in that very moment: Give her the infamous 1994 "You Go Girl!" or Remind her, "You know, when you buy a large popcorn and large drink, you get free Snowcaps!" I did neither!
I looked, because I'm human. I was both concerned and impressed, that she didn't seem to care. I do hope that she finds a mirror. Extra weight is not good for your health, your heart, your body or your spirit. Assuming she is in her mid 20's, I hope she finds a mirror soon. Weight is a demon and weight fluctuation is Hell. I would want her to figure this out soon. To improve her health, to be kind to her heart, to rescue her body and to have the happiest of spirits!
Although I did leave my balls at home that day. Her balls are, by far, bigger than my balls!!! Congrats to that!!! You would never see me walking into McDonalds in my bikini and Super-Sizing the Bic Mac Meal!
Thank God for the Drive Thru! See you there!!!
Anyway, I'm standing by my 280lb guess. I'm really good at guessing people's weight, especially women's weight. I have been almost every size. In my adult life, my body has ventured from an 8 all the way to a very full, but loose, 22. Well, the 20 was way too tight, so although I did 'graduate' to a 22, it should be noted they were LOOSE!!! And I only wore them twice! Then I burned them! Let's face it, the only 20's a woman should ever be in, should last only 10 years.... and that should be her age, not her size.
Okay, back to my twenty-something, robust, popcorn with layered butter lover. She was wearing, hummm... where to start.... I'll start from the ground up. She was wearing black ballerina flats, jeans and a top with cap sleeves. The flats were cute; they're trendy, enough said. Her shoes were not what made me ask a 7 year old boy if he could please hand me my jaw from the floor. The jeans? Well, the jeans were denim, they were very tight, they were something that she would have needed assistance getting into. I find myself wondering if she's wearing a catheter today, because that movie 'snack' is going to hit her bladder at some point. Who will assist her when her bladder is dancing? My concern wouldn't be getting the jeans down necessarily, but getting them back up. I can only pray she has her cell phone with her in case of an emergency! She's going to need a few extra hands to help her pack herself back in there. The jeans were low rise. I guess it's easier to let it all hang out than pack 'everything' in a pair of jeans? I don't even know why they produce low rise jeans for anyone over a size 12 or so... it's just cruel. At least apply some self tanner to the 'overage' you're exposing. Let's talk overage, shall we? I've heard of a muffin top, I comprehend the muffin top... this was more like a bundt cake exploded!!! As they say in Georgia, this was a "hot mess!" Her 'middle' was everywhere! Just hanging out! Saying "hello!" It was layered, much like her popcorn. The upper 'middle' was laying on the middle 'middle' and then the lower 'middle' was what was so desperately packed into her 'cute' jeans! Just a mess! But like any decent train wreck, you couldn't turn away! And I couldn't. I felt so bad that I couldn't turn away. Well, no I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. Yes I did. No I didn't. I really didn't. The cap sleeve top was kind of sheer, which really didn't matter only because her 'middle' was out and about anyway. The good news about the portly arms dangling from the cap sleeve top, is that they would seem to withstand carrying a large popcorn weighed down with excessive butter and a large diet drink. The top was on the short side, or, was it her belly was on the long side? All I know is, I was there to see a movie and I couldn't step away from this hot mess of a plus size preview I was witnessing at the concession counter! I should be ashamed. But, I wasn't. I was impressed! Was this a confidence that I was witnessing? If so, where did such confidence come from? Was this an obliviousness? Maybe she has no idea? Maybe she has no mirrors in her home? But does she not feel the draft across her layered 'middle'? Or is this denial? Maybe this heifer thinks these jeans fit great, cover her, flatter her and look absolutely hot! Maybe? If you know me at all, then you know I do have the balls to ask. However, I left my balls at home that day! I know I wanted to do one of two things in that very moment: Give her the infamous 1994 "You Go Girl!" or Remind her, "You know, when you buy a large popcorn and large drink, you get free Snowcaps!" I did neither!
I looked, because I'm human. I was both concerned and impressed, that she didn't seem to care. I do hope that she finds a mirror. Extra weight is not good for your health, your heart, your body or your spirit. Assuming she is in her mid 20's, I hope she finds a mirror soon. Weight is a demon and weight fluctuation is Hell. I would want her to figure this out soon. To improve her health, to be kind to her heart, to rescue her body and to have the happiest of spirits!
Although I did leave my balls at home that day. Her balls are, by far, bigger than my balls!!! Congrats to that!!! You would never see me walking into McDonalds in my bikini and Super-Sizing the Bic Mac Meal!
Thank God for the Drive Thru! See you there!!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Three Pairs of Jeans and a Fluffy Cashier!
As I work my way into my 40th year, I'm noticing it's like working your way into a pair of jeans that just came out of the hot dryer, the day you've started your period! You knew it was coming, you wish you were better prepared and you're regretting inhaling that bag of potato chips yesterday! You now have beads of sweat forming in a variety of places, desirable and not, because you're doing the "i think i can" dance to get into a pair of jeans that clearly should have been 'line' dried and not 'dryer' dried! I'm not saying you need to get a clothesline for that time of the month. Do what I do, throw the washed jeans over the bars of your treadmill. The jeans will keep your other 'treadmill clothes' company.
Where are your period jeans? If you wear a size 12, smart women of all ages know that you should have a size 14 on standby. These are your Period Jeans! Don't forget about your Low Self Esteem Jeans, these are the size 16 you should have on standby! Let's be honest, period or no period, we all have fat days! You take your 'fat day' size 12, jump into the Low Self Esteem size 16.... and the compliments are never ending!!! "Wow, you've lost weight!" "You look amazing!"
You will feel light as a feather, I guarantee it!
Although, I will tell you... when you're purchasing a pair of size 12, 14 and 16 jeans simultaneously, the cashier does tend to give you a questionable look. My suggestion: throw in a pregnancy test for good measure! Then just make small talk, "I hope it's a girl!" Obviously, this only applies if you're buying jeans at Target or Walmart. Last I knew, they didn't sell pregnancy tests at Macy's. If you're shopping for your three pairs of jeans where there are no pregnancy tests, don't panic, just purchase individually. It is more time consuming, but you'll save yourself the questions the inquiring cashier would ask. Well, unless she's on the fluffy side. The fluffier cashier would probably appreciate the three-jean-tip!!!
I hope you appreciated this tip!!! You're welcome!
And no... the 40's aren't so bad.... you just have to have the right attitude AND the right pair of jeans AND a treadmill!!!
Where are your period jeans? If you wear a size 12, smart women of all ages know that you should have a size 14 on standby. These are your Period Jeans! Don't forget about your Low Self Esteem Jeans, these are the size 16 you should have on standby! Let's be honest, period or no period, we all have fat days! You take your 'fat day' size 12, jump into the Low Self Esteem size 16.... and the compliments are never ending!!! "Wow, you've lost weight!" "You look amazing!"
You will feel light as a feather, I guarantee it!
Although, I will tell you... when you're purchasing a pair of size 12, 14 and 16 jeans simultaneously, the cashier does tend to give you a questionable look. My suggestion: throw in a pregnancy test for good measure! Then just make small talk, "I hope it's a girl!" Obviously, this only applies if you're buying jeans at Target or Walmart. Last I knew, they didn't sell pregnancy tests at Macy's. If you're shopping for your three pairs of jeans where there are no pregnancy tests, don't panic, just purchase individually. It is more time consuming, but you'll save yourself the questions the inquiring cashier would ask. Well, unless she's on the fluffy side. The fluffier cashier would probably appreciate the three-jean-tip!!!
I hope you appreciated this tip!!! You're welcome!
And no... the 40's aren't so bad.... you just have to have the right attitude AND the right pair of jeans AND a treadmill!!!
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